In an ascendant moment for Russia, Earth, and indeed the universe as we know it, Radioactive Man – aka Vlad the Mir of all the Putins – was given his fourth infinity stone by the head of the Russian Orthodox Church today, leaving just two left to capture before he can fulfill his destiny of disappearing the half of humanity that regularly vote, thus returning a horrible balance to the world.
In each of his previous three terms as leader of the Russian people, Putin has successfully secured one of the gems, starting in 1999 with the Power Stone, which he has never let out of his sweaty hands since. He added the Space Stone in 2006, in events still shrouded in mystery but known to involve a Soyuz rocket and lot of money. Then in 2014 he found the Reality Stone in the bottom of a glacial river while wrestling a bear, and immediately used it to send Russian troops into Crimea, while simultaneously not ever having sent Russian troops into Crimea.
With today’s addition to his collection of the Mind Stone, Putin now has left to find the Time Stone (a fact he noted after today’s ceremony while humming the popular Rolling Stone’s song about that same constant, in an unsubtle allusion to the fact he feels it is on his side) and the Soul Stone, which is believed to be somewhere in Memphis, Tennessee.
“The Mississippi Delta, is shining like the greatest of all the National guitars,” the Russian president said, in a statement that many Putinologists (not to be confused with people obsessed with putting cheese curds and gravy on their fries) have taken as a sign he thinks the Soul Stone may be in Graceland. And he intends to go there.
“Yes. I sent an emissary, but she came back to tell me it’s gone. As if I didn’t know that. Silly woman. As if I didn’t know my own gem. As if I never noticed the way she brushed her hair like someone asking for a special order of polonium tea no milk two sugars.”
Putin’s aides later apologized for the unexpected segue to Paul Simon, but not the tea, or implied threat. It is expected to be the first, and last, apology to ever come out of Moscow.
Reached for comment, many of the world’s fiercest protectors – such as German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Prime Minister Theresa May, Republican Senator John McCain, and Michelle Wolf – said it wasn’t a particularly good time for them to stand up to Putin.
“I barely won my last election,” said Merkel, not relishing the thoughts of going up against what is arguably her nation’s greatest enemy, after themselves.
“Do you think it would be popular?” asked Theresa May, briefly considering the notion. “I’ll have to ask my mandate. But I have to warn you, it’s a little busy right now.”
“If it weren’t for that fucking Trump,” said McCain, before resuming his private communion with the unrelenting passage of time.
And for her part Wolf said that while she was tempted to stand up to yet another overbearing white guy at the power buffet, she had to recognize that “you really can only go after the low-hanging fruit so many times before your back starts to hurt.”