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Canada Forced To Admit It Has A Denny’s Problem


Following the release of a five minute, 14-second video in which a woman repeatedly tells four men to “go back to their fucking country,” many Canadians say they are now prepared to make an admission that would have been unthinkable just a few years ago: Canada has a Denny’s problem.

“I’ll come right out and say it,” says Jill Frontenac, head of the Canadian Centre For Avoiding The Hard Truth. “What we have here is a classic case of systemic slow service. If that woman had simply received her supreme skillet in a timely manner, her abject intolerance for a particular demographic wouldn’t have had a chance to build up and eventually express itself, and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” 

Ms. Frontenac is not alone in facing this situation head on with her eyes closed while humming loudly. 

“Yeah, y’know, they updated the menu with some healthier options, but I still haven’t been there in years,” says Tony Feltman, of Calgary, in response to being shown the video and asked for his thoughts. “The decor is dated, the food lacks freshness and variety, and the hours they’re open attract a particular clientele that doesn’t exist anywhere outside their doors. I don’t think Canada has a racism problem, I think what we have is a chain-diner problem.

For her part, the clearly under-served woman in the video has now been fired, and has apologized for both her actions and the fact that the video doesn’t show what led up to the confrontation. It remains unclear how she expects an incipient cultural bias magnified by unfounded fear and malignant privilege, to have been caught on tape.

Tom Mahoney, of Fredericton, N.B. says he’s seen enough, less than 0.75 of a second into the video. “I mean, she apologized right? I don’t need to see the rest of it. Look, everyone loses their cool sometimes. Just last week I stubbed my toe and loudly blamed it on the recent influx of refugee claimants crossing into Canada from the United States. These things happen. I’m just glad there wasn’t anyone around with a video camera or whatsit then. You aren’t recording now are you?”

And in Edmonton, a five-hour drive north of where the disturbing case of poor restaurant choice took place, there were many who were quick to dismiss the event as just a one-or-two-or-maybe-a-dozen off; or at most just something confined to that particular brand of roadside food facilities. 

“There’s just something about that yellow polygon sign, and the apostrophe, and the lack of kale on the menu, that brings out the ugly in some people,” says Tina Ingraned. “Canada is fine. You just need to avoid Denny’s. I think it’s safe to say you wouldn’t have a situation like this arise at a Boost Juice.”

The hot-button issue is expected to be addressed at an upcoming, multi-day summit in Toronto, on the subject of the rise of Denny’s in society. “Is Denny’s Real?” is the headline speech. 

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1 reply »

  1. perhaps Canadians would be a bit more accepting if immigrants became English speaking Canadians. It always pisses me off too, when they jabber away in some unknown dialect .

    Like

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