The long-dreamed of possibility that one day people will be able to travel freely – without adapters, extra plugs, or a personal nuclear power source – is dead.
With little fanfare the United States pulled out of the Global Electrical Plug Agreement early this morning, leaving just Canada and the Netherlands still involved in talks that “are likely to slowly peter out like all of humanity’s failed attempts at unity.”
Germany, France, Italy, Australia, Britain, China, Russia, Iran, South Africa, Nigeria, Israel, Uruguay, India, Peru, Denmark, New Zealand, Saudi Arabia, Vietnam, Sweden, Thailand, Kenya, Bolivia, Cuba, Belgium, Belize, Ireland, Ecuador, Japan, Romania, Kazakhstan, Spain, Finland, Greece, Chile, Hungary, Egypt, Portugal, and St. Vincent and the Grenadines never signed the treaty and could care less how inconvenient this whole situation is.
“If you want to have the same plug, use ours,” said everyone, citing national pride regarding their particular arrangement of hot, neutral, and ground poles, over any need for global consensus.
“It doesn’t bode well,” said Jorge De Vergers, a spokesperson for the human potential watchdog Accords Sans Frontiers. “I mean, it’s pretty hard to picture us agreeing on something like nuclear non-proliferation if we can’t even decide on a common way to get electricity out of the wall.”
While the original agreement was deemed by many to be ill-fated from the beginning, the departure of the United States – previously seen as cause for hope that bridge-building may yet take place between the ‘parallel-and-flat-bladed-plugs-out-of-my-cold-dead-hands’ nations, and the ‘God-save-the-round-post’ fraternity – is crushing. Speaking to this point, U.S. President Donald Trump was meanderingly blunt.
“Why should we change? We’re the greatest nation with the greatest plugs just ask my hair. This idea was dumb from the beginning and it only got dumber as it went along. Difference is what makes the world go round folks. Unless you forgot your adapter. In which case you know what? You know what? You know what? What are we talking about?” An aide whispered in his ear. “Globalized plugs? Seriously? Are we for or against?” The aide leaned in again. “Are dumb,” the president said, before calling it a day.
Pundits were quick to take to the airwaves to offer their views on the situation.
“It’s a dark day for America,” said former Obama press secretary, Jay Carney. “Especially if you bought your light in Europe.”
“Just another nail in the coffin of the evil globalists,” said Sean Hannity, as he live-texted 110 thumb-ups to Trump, and followed that with a selfie of him kissing a plug.
CNN’s Don Lemon just sighed, and shook his head, and then sighed again.
“Maybe someday we can have nice things. Like unity. And consensus. And interchangeable electronics. Maybe someday.”