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Increasingly Desperate Doug Ford Promises $500 Off All Wood-Burning Stoves


It’s heat that literally grows on trees people,” an increasingly animated Doug Ford said at a campaign stop late in the afternoon Thursday, addressing a restive Ontario electorate that is starting to finish the thought ‘anyone but Wynne’ with ‘or Doug, do I even have to say that?’

“It is trees.” He confirmed, after briefly consulting with a campaign aid. “We now have the technology to get heat from trees. Amazing folks, just amazing. And I am the only candidate who is going to put money back in the pockets of hard-working, tree-burning Ontarioites, by subsidizing all pot-bellied stoves and brick fireplaces to the tune of $500.”

The odd move follows a not-less strange promise Mr. Ford made yesterday to forfeit $0.10 per litre of provincial tax on gasoline should he be elected, in a transparent attempt to encourage voters currently on the fence to endorse him and then just move to other provinces and commute to their Ontario jobs. 

Looking to capitalize on the sudden interest in wood-burning heaters, Canadian Tire has raised the price of their standard, cast-iron chimineas from $189.99, to a tidy $500. 

“I don’t think you can really put a price on warming yourself under the stars by the heat of a non-renewable resource your government would rather subsidize the burning of than just pay people a living wage,” says a spokesperson for Canadian Tire, commenting on the recent price increase. “But if you had to it would be about $500 that you are guaranteed to get back.” 

With Ford battling fires on multiple fronts, experts say Ontario voters can expect further odd promises in the coming days.

“Getting your second pizza free if you order before 5 PM on Tuesdays,” says political pundit Jim Kelley, running down a list of standard PC promises, “We haven’t seen that one yet, but you know it’s coming.”

“Also look for $2500 off all parking infractions, which essentially does for the economy what pouring lighter fluid on a barbecue does for your eyebrows. Speaking of which, $1000 off every can of lighter fluid.”

Reached for comment Ford said those ideas are simply ridiculous, before asking us if we could just write them down in a little ol’ email and send them on over to DugFjord
@aoil.com.

“Yeah, weird email address, I know,” he says, looking over his shoulder. “You can’t be too careful with your identity these days.”

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