In the wake of the tragic school shooting in Santa Fe, Texas, yesterday, the NRA has revealed their plan to keep this from ever happening again. And, in a shocking development, it has absolutely nothing to do with limiting access to guns.
“We need gun proof buildings,” said Wayne LaPierre, testing the air with his tongue, while partially inflating his neck frill. “Windowless, doorless, controlled entry and exit, buildings; that can be locked down at the push of a button, preferably with centralized control towers, maybe a walled recreational space, and a cafeteria with bolted-down furniture.”
“Wouldn’t that be a prison?” Asked one reporter quietly, at the same time wondering where he went wrong in life to end up here.
“But what you just described. That’s a prison.”
“No it isn’t. There’re no uniforms. The students just wear cheerful bibs that say ‘Student,’ and a number, for easy identification. No jumpsuits. If it were a prison there’d be jumpsuits.”
“Right. What about barbed wire?”
“Attack ones, yes.”
An unusual silence descended on the press conference as everyone present pictured this facility, and held it up against their understanding of what a prison looks like. This was then broken by everyone simultaneously agreeing that LaPierre was describing a penitentiary.
Wayne remained adamant that this was not the case, saying that he was discussing the schools of the future, not the bastilles of the past, and – unusually for the leader of one of America’s most-respected organizations – then doubled-down on a ridiculous statement by making additional statements ensconced in the absurd.
“In these utopian educational facilities, armed guards and teachers will protect students from armed students and teachers. Bullet-proof glass will surround individual cubicles where students would be free to just be kids; making fun of teachers, mapping out the CCTV coverage zones, and surreptitiously swapping contraband. You know. Kid things.”
“And,” Mr. LaPierre finished up, gathering his notes and looking bizarrely hopeful, “best of all my team assures me there are already prototypes of these buildings in existence in most cities.”