Sensing he was on a roll following a recent wave of accolades for his (only in private to one person) admission that God’s love is, in fact, large enough to cover people who love other people, the pope has today made a further series of admissions that are as tardy as they are obvious.
“Get Galileo on the telegraph,” the pontiff was heard to say, putting down an article he was reading about NASA’s latest probe to head towards the sun FROM OUR ELLIPTICAL ORBIT. “It looks like his math checks out.”
His assistant quietly informed him of Galileo’s untimely passing 376 years ago, but also added that Francis shouldn’t worry, John Paul II had excused the exiled polymath in 1992, which caused the current legate to bring up a longstanding gripe concerning the quality of handover he received from Benedict.
“I damn near apologized twice for the same thing. That would be two times as embarrassing as never apologizing at all, as is the case with our role in Canada’s residential schools.”
Moving quickly on the Pope admitted that the rhythm method may have some flaws, that making people with terminal illnesses live out their days in abject pain and suffering is the definition of torture, and that when it comes to things like abortion, maybe a religion run by half-a-million men shouldn’t have the final say in what women do with their bodies.
“And speaking of women, what they hell have we been thinking? Yes I used hell as a pejorative. We have a shortage of priests. Wherever could we find more of them? Maybe – and I’m just spitballing here – we should include the 3.8 billion person demographic we currently aren’t pulling from.”
A vast silence entered the room. From somewhere deep inside the Vatican came a distant sound. A debate ensued as to whether it was stone crumbling, paper tearing, or legions of old men wondering if they’ve been wrong all along.
“I’m going with stone,” said the Pope. “Have someone look into new real estate. This place is falling apart.”