“There is no sea the Navy can’t brave and there is no storm the American sailor can’t conquer,” said President Trump today, addressing the U.S. Navy and Marine Corps graduating class of 2018. “You know that together there is nothing Americans can’t do. Absolutely nothing. As long as your heels are pain-free, and local inflammation hasn’t led to a niggling injury that precludes you – sadly, tragically, so unfairly – from having what would have otherwise been a spectacular military career.”
A smattering of applause rippled through the watching crowd of more than 1,000 graduates and their gathered friends and family, with many of the newly-made officers sharing looks of gratitude that they were lucky enough to not have fallen prey to the outbreak of affluenza that many believe caused Trump’s untimely injury, in the middle of the Vietnam War.
“Poor bastard. Unable to join in the battle, he had to settle for a career of moral and financial bankruptcy before turning to sniping at politicians from the media sidelines until – in a confluence of shitstorms created by this country’s festering dysfunction – his publicity stunt was swept up into a party nomination and then the presidency,” said one young graduate, telling it straight to no one in particular, just like his president.
He’s interrupted in his succinct assessment by the thunderous roar of the Blue Angels flight demonstration squadron, screaming past overhead in a triangular formation of six.
“One for each deferment, and a sixth for good luck,” another grad was heard to remark, pulling a wry face and rubbing his heel pointedly.
On stage Trump was using the moment to reflect on the gravity and complexity of war by pointing out that America is winning everything like it’s a fucking game of marbles, and exaggerating how many ships he is adding to the fleet by over 100%.
“We’re building that modern fleet,” he said, as the sun shone starkly down on the uniformed men and women in front of him. “We’re sharpening the fighting edge of everything. As sharp as those awful bone spurs that kept me from joining you all those years ago. They are just the worst let me tell you. You guys are so lucky, to be able to serve. Just the luckiest. So yeah, go get ’em. Win one for the Gipper. Which is me, I haven’t told you that before but I’m the Gipper. Go team.”