It began just before noon today, as the U.S. government moved swiftly to alert the nation that 1,503 children have been missing since last year. Because the U.S government separated them from their families at the border. As quietly reported by the U.S. government, over a month ago.
“My phone started buzzing just as I was sitting down to a nice picnic under a shady tree that someone else planted but I am getting to enjoy,” said Savannah Georgia, of Savannah, Georgia. “And it hasn’t stopped since. Which makes it about six hours straight of Amber Alerts. As soon as the last one ends its time for the first one to be rebroadcast. Dearie me, those poor, poor children. What the fuck has this government done?”
Ms. Georgia isn’t alone. Not in getting the repetitive alerts. And not in wondering what the fuck this government has done.
“As soon as I got the first alert I headed straight down to my regional Health and Human Services office to offer my assistance, in what I assumed would be the largest coordinated search and rescue operation in U.S. history,” said Troy Simmard, of San Antonio. “1500 children? I’ve seen every interstate in Texas shut down because of one. But you know what I found when I got down there? The office is closed for Memorial Day weekend. The actual fuck? You lost 1503 children. This is no time for a fucking barbecue! Turn that baseball game off folks. There are people to find. Little ones!”
Incredibly, not everyone is as incensed as Mr. Simmard.
Gerald Greene, of Charlotte, North Carolina, said that “while yes, I think it’s terrible those kid are missing, I was in the middle of a pretty good run on Candy Crush, and waiting on a text back to confirm my afternoon plans, when all those alerts just started lighting up my phone.” He fiddled with a WWJD bracelet as he tried to find the right words to express his surprisingly mixed emotions on the subject of missing children. “I gotta be honest, it’s a little inconvenient. Maybe those kids’ parents should have thought about all this before they uprooted their families and risked their lives for a bunch of reasons I don’t care to spend too much time considering and will instead just go ahead and assume were arbitrary.”
In response to the growing outrage and concern over the appalling lack of adequate care for minors in their custody, the U.S. government has said they will conduct an “independent and thorough investigation into who exactly authorized all those Amber Alerts.”