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ABC Sends A Strong Message That There Is No Place For Racism In The 8 PM Time Slot

img_5335After being widely lauded for firing Roseanne Barr – a racist nutjob who has made no secret of her appalling views – for being a racist nutjob who waves her noxious opinions around like a confederate flag at a mud truck rally, ABC today issued a firm statement regarding their unyielding stance on racism.

“After noting the public outcry against Ms. Barr today, we have decided that there is no place her on television between 8 and 8:30 PM.”

The decisive action, from the same network that gave Ms. Barr a platform in the first place, was warmly welcomed in a nation reduced by this presidency to hoping that racism will not be tolerated on Tuesdays at 8.

But the network’s press release then went on to say that what CMT chooses to do tomorrow morning at 10:00 is entirely up to them, and, in addition, that as long as the president or his proxies give the barest hint of a wink and a nod when denigrating those of a particular race or religion, that ABC will be sure to rebroadcast those dog whistles without filtering for ultrasonic signalling. 

“There’s only so much we can do as one of America’s four main arbiters of public news, entertainment, sports, and culture,” said an ABC executive, speaking off the record, and openly wondering how a day in which she got rid of Roseanne still leaves her feeling lacking. “Sure, we could have not given the old bat a reboot. But think of the viewers we’d have lost. That matters right? Viewers? I’ll be able to use that as some form of defense when my grandkids ask me why I signed off on the show in the first place, thereby legitimizing the Pizza-Gate believing, Soros-is-a-Nazi accusing, school-shooting-survivor attacking, weirdos of the world. They’ll understand. Right?”

We indicate that while we’re just an impartial satire page, it seems unlikely that history will be kind in this instance. 

“Well shit,” the executive says, almost wistfully. “At least we got her out of prime time.”

“You’re the ones who put her there,” says a passing ABC employee, under her breath.

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