News

Terrifying Images Emerge From Within Once-Peaceful-Now-A-Security-Threat Nation Of Canada

WARNING: The following article contains images of people generally enjoying life and not bothering anyone. They cannot be unseen.

In the wake of Donald Trump’s declaration that Canada represents a security threat, and then using that declassified intelligence as justification to tariff the northern nation back to a safe status, images are beginning to emerge from the peace-torn population. They paint a horrifying picture of a depravedly-genial country in which many people live their entire lives without holding a loaded gun, or threatening to use such, and where speaking out against the nation’s overbearing rulers can get you a witheringly polite defense of your right to debate in a townhall meeting. Yes. It is stomach turning. Again, the images below are not for the dark of heart.

giphy
Warring Canadian factions, seen here performing the dreaded seat-dance shortly before sharing some form of a snack. Note that even their respective tribes (the Leafs and the Senators) are tied, in what international observers believe to have been a gruesome attempt to allow each other to both get a point.

High Park Castle

Photo credit: Greening Homes, http://www.greeninghomes.com

Unpaid workers (they call them VOLUNTEERS) working to rebuild a children’s park in Toronto after the original structure burnt down. One wonders why they bother, knowing it will probably only last thirty years and echo with the shouts of hundreds of thousands of children living generally comfortable lives. It’s unlikely any of these men are still standing. As it’s Friday night and the patios are open.

Trudeau

Photo credit: THE CANADIAN PRESS/John Woods

The Prime Minister, wearing plaid. In front of children. What sort of people allow this?

bc-referendum-rally

Photo credit: THE CANADIAN PRESS

The country nearly split in two in 1995, but after people got in buses and drove for thousands of kilometers (which are a dangerous type of miles) and told the people that wanted to leave that it would be so nice if they didn’t, those people voted in an orderly fashion to stay. Like some sort of experiment in democracy gone horribly, horribly right.

tim-hortons-coffee

Photo credit: CBC

They all pretend to like the same shitty coffee, because it would be rude not to.
(Though its popularity has gone down recently. No, not because it sucks, they don’t mind that. Because the company that makes the coffee isn’t paying their employees enough. Researchers are still sifting through the socialist wreckage in an attempt to understand why they care.)

Canadians also live in abject squalor.

Disgusting.

And there you have it. Horrible, dystopian, dehumanizing, Canada. How long will the world stand aside as this country spirals further and further away from winning a Stanley Cup? When will the United Nations intercede, and draw an end to the madness of people receiving health care without losing their homes, and marrying whomever they feel like? Only time will tell. For now we can only hope that Trump will be able to successfully tax the Canadians back into some form of civility. But, as their own iconic musician; the late, great, Gord Downie, once sang:

“Twelve men broke loose in seventy three
From Millhaven Maximum Security
Twelve pictures lined up across the front page
Seems the Mounties had a summertime war to wage.”

Whatever that means. Canadians can be really cryptic.
#PrayForSecurityThreatCanada


For more satire from the Canadian front lines, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.
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281 replies »

  1. I don’t know how you poor, destitute people live like this! I feel so blessed here, with our Tangerine Overlord, guns galore, flag waving racist “patriots”, pollution and no work or health care. My heart goes out to you!

    Thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I love Canada, I am Canadian and we are fun, peaceful etc. But our prime minister is releasing known terrorists into this polite & gentle nation and I applaud any & all attempts to curb such deliberate stupidy – like releasing wolves into a herd of sheep. Shameful.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are sadly misinformed. No known terrorists released in Canada … just peace-loving refugees grateful for the new chance at life they’ve been offered. Stop being so paranoid and try reaching out to these people. You will find they are normal people who want nothing but to give back to the country that has offered them sanctuary.

      Like

      • Is that sarcasm. You are more than welcome to come to the US and take care of our increasing population of refugees. In fact you can have them all. We’ll keep those that came here legally like my family
        We weren’t looking for a hand out and never received one.

        Like

    • Well, one of your companies is trying to get a liquid natural gas pipeline through Southern Oregon, a very geologically unstable place. And this pipeline would end in Coos Bay, Oregon, where there will be a huge earthquake/tsunami because we’re overdue for one there by, oh,300 years.t I don’t blame Canadians for this, but it is what it is, as our spoiled (as in looking forward to a future without healthcare or less than two jobs) millennials
      . say.

      Like

    • Don’t worry chil’. We’ll have them clubbing and Canada thumping within a month! Actually seen hardcore Arab thumpers change tune within months and acting embarassed at their previous diatribes with dowmcast eyes and appeals of “I didnt know” and “thank Allah Im here”. We’re an influencing lot us Canucks.

      Like

  3. What’s worse, frankly, is that some people are born elsewhere, move here, drink the average coffee and end up taking out citizenship. I know. I’m one. Forty years on and I’m still convinced this is the best country in the world to live in. What was in that coffee? Hilarious article. Happy Canada Day.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh my god! The inhumanity of it all. How will we ever live like this for much longer.
    Signed:
    A distraught Canuck.

    Like

  5. Parent immigrated here…
    God fordid they tried to in the US instead

    Canadians are a bunch of rabble rousing fun and mainly empathetic folk😜

    Like

  6. All bullshit and sarcasm. Things happen for a reason. Get over yourselves and stop stealing from American tax payers.

    Like

    • Sir, this is a happy tongue-in-cheek celebration of Canada Day. Please don’t pee on our little parade. Have a great day and keep hydrated.

      Like

    • Its your president thats stealing from you not us and we feel sorry for your country good luck without our natural resources that y
      ou used to enjoy

      Like

    • Do you live here? If in the USA and you would know how??? The tangerine overlord spews lies and bs on an hourly basis. Why are inclusive, have health care, safe cities and no mass shootings. If you live in the USA and live there, please stay there as the one thing Canadians don’t like are bigots and racists Thank you

      Like

      • Hear hear! Rose. Any woman who speaks about tongues is my kinda Lady! Lmao. Nice double entendre. I say that without split tongue tho twice as nimble. Hee hee. Look me up in mtl. if interested. Cheers.

        Like

  7. I just moved to Canada. it’s all true. beware you good people of the USA, the threat IS real.

    Like

  8. It’s not all goodness and light here. There are hundreds of First Nations without good drinking water. poor medical services and poor educational systems.

    Like

  9. You are absolutely correct on this. It is a disgrace.
    We Canadians need to remember that The First Nations people came first and their land, rights and culture need to be honoured and appreciated. As a nation(s), they have a lot to teach us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are right, and the current government is the first one in many, many decades to actually address this and make positive changes. The problems cannot be solved all at once. As the saying goes, “BIG mess, small mop”, but at least we are finally moving in the right direction.

      Like

  10. Quite frankly we love Canada, we don’t got to worry about dems and repubs changing our healthcare every year. We also love our tim hortons coffee, much better than that goat pis you call Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts. I also like to point out that Canada doesn’t have our cops shooting black men, or riots as a result of police officers killing unarmed black man. The list keeps going on how messed your country has become. Take care of your own garbage before you start snickering about someone else’s country. Sincerely yours, one blessed Canadian ;^)

    Like

  11. Yes, we as a nation are extra warm and cordial to make up for the weather. Nothing wrong with that…proud Canadian here…Happy Canada Day all!

    Like

  12. Reblogged this on Traces of the Soul and commented:
    Love how this writer painted us as shameful Canadians showing especially how we do come together as a nation sometimes such as in 1995. I was teaching in Westmount (Montreal) at that time and many students were absent to joint the crowd. It was a proud moment.

    But after filling myself with that high of reading this post, I also think of so many things that we, as a country, need to address. We are not puritans and squeaky clean. Police still screw up sometimes with shottings too. Profiling is alive and well, unfortunately here too…living in Toronto for more than a decade and back in Montreal…no, humbly and often sadly, we have work to do. So as we are pointing fingers to other countries and our neighbours, let’s also look how we can improve, evolve and yes, reading one comment on this post…we do have a lot to learn from our First Nations People…what would our country look like if one brave, wise and respectful First Nations person became prime minister? It won’t happen soon, but what if?

    Liked by 1 person

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