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Playing To Trump’s Weaknesses, Trudeau Proposes A Thumb War

The prime minister has since confirmed he is indeed serious.

In an interview with NBC’s Chuck Todd, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has thrown down an unprecedented challenge to the president of the United States.

“One, two, three, four, let’s just settle this trade war,” the Canadian PM said, pointing a determinedly-raised thumb towards the camera. “I know President Trump likes to oversimplify complex matters, and reduce global issues down to personal staring contests. Well, what can be more basic than a thumb war?”

Trudeau went on to say that as Trump has personally assured him that he has ‘totally normal-sized hands,’ the Canadian PM can see no reason why the president would decline his challenge.

“People shake hands to conclude a deal, why not lock thumbs over the terms? I propose we meet in the middle of the Peace Bridge and have this out. If he wins, we Canadians will forego the incoming tariffs on the crucial American commodities of Ben & Jerry’s ‘Chunky Monkey’ ice cream, flags, and Mormons.”

The prime minister paused while Chuck Todd mopped coffee off his shirt. 

“And if I win he backs the fuck up.”

More mopping. 

The challenge is without precedent in the modern era, with the only possible comparison available being the time Wilfred Laurier and Theodore Roosevelt drag-raced Model T’s to decide whether the Canadian-American relationship is ‘neighbourly’ or ‘neighborly.’ That contest ended in a tie, after both vehicles broke down three days into the event.

Many pundits are convinced Trudeau wouldn’t have tried this move on Obama, who was well-known for being able to both palm a basketball and consider an entire line of reasoning – two skills that continue to elude his successor. 

“Yes,” said noted political hand-watcher, Sven Gorntuck, author of the book “The Federalist Cuticles. “I think it’s fair to say Justin Trudeau is taking advantage of the fact that our current president has hands the size of a petite three-year-old. While I’ve given up trying to predict what Mr. Trump will do in any given situation, I suspect he’ll likely rush order a set of Gripmasters, while tweeting out that he was actually the Wharton School Of Business thumb-wrestling champion in 1967, and nearly went pro.” 

While most Canadians welcome the idea of their younger, fitter, non-heart-attack risk leader challenging the exercise-skeptic specimen that is Donald Trump to a contest of digits, there are dissenters. 

“When is it my turn?” asked Andrew Scheer, the leader of the Conservative Party, and someone who recently made the odd political calculation that he can best represent Canadians by siding with Trump on the issue of increasing tariffs. “Is it ever going to be my turn? You said I could be next. Justin has been Prime Minister for forevvvvvvvvver.”

In an exclusive interview with the O&A, an inside source at ESPN has said that if the event does go down they will provide round-the-clock coverage of the historic match, and have also purchased the rights to choose the entrance music for the two respective combatants.

“For Trudeau we’re going with ‘The Log Driver’s Waltz,'” the source informed us, on condition of anonymity.  “And for Trump we all agreed it has to be Billy Joel’s ‘Big Shot.'” The unnameable person then hung up, singing to himself as he went.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, you had to be a big shot, didn’t you…”

1 reply »

  1. Thank you Paul…usually exposure to the US news feels like I’m watching over the fence as my neighbour has a spat with his wife in their back yard. However, when that same neighbour takes aim at my kids, yelling over the fence that he’s going to ‘come over there’ if they don’t stop playing happily outside, it’s hard not to feel threatened. Your piece has helped me see our “neighbours” through a humourous lens of satire and for that I am so appreciative.

    Like

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