Saying that Canadians had better learn to respect his authoritah, Donald Trump held a brief press conference this afternoon – on his way to getting matching tattoos with Kim Jong-un (an ICBM on the right bicep, the ultimate cliche in world leader ink) – to sign an executive order demanding all Canadians immediately stop calling him an asshat, ass-toque, butt-beanie, derriere-deerhunter, or any derivative of the insult thereof.
While loudly declaring to all present that sticks and stones may break his bones but the opinions of the world’s easiest going nation will never raise any tricky questions about his ability to lead, Trump broke three pens signing the executive order, which legal experts have already flagged as probably not being worth the (Canadian) paper it’s written on.
“The first hurdle the president is going to encounter is that Canadians simply will not be told,” said the prominent constitutional law expert, Isaac Cadillac. “That is almost certainly an even larger impediment to this order being heeded than the fact that Trump has absolutely zero jurisdiction in Canada. The fact is, that man could quit the presidency, immigrate to Canada, apply for his permanent residency, somehow get it, work for five years, apply for his citizenship, somehow get it, run for the leadership of whatever party, somehow win, campaign in a federal election, somehow get elected, become the prime minister, introduce a bill similar to the executive order he signed today, somehow pass it, and even if he did all that, you know what? Canadians would still just call him an ass-toque.”
As this article was going to press, Mr. Cadillac’s initial assessment appeared to be backed by the weight of U.S. law, as a district judge in Hawaii moved quickly to block the freshly-penned executive order; saying Canadians, Americans, and even the French, can call Trump whatever they damn well please. He then went on to suggest a “pilgarlic poltroon,” or “an unpadded folding chair at an all-day seminar,” or – landing perhaps the most accurate insult of Donald Trump’s cantankerous career – “a basic waste of our times.”