In a remarkable turn of events, the hedge Canada planted on its side of the world’s longest undefended border nearly 17 months ago – shortly after learning the Trumps were moving into the White House next door – has produced a series of prominent growths along the entirety of the side facing the United States. Which appear to be giving someone in a southerly direction the middle finger.
“I was just out walking my dog along the hedge,” says Wayne Crosby, of Somewhere Inn, Manitoba. “Drinking milk, whittling some hardwood, chewing on a piece of smoked maple-syrup jerky, feeling pretty self-sufficient, y’know? When suddenly old Jimbo here,” he points to a large golden retriever sitting at his feet, “spotted himself a rabbit. And not just any rabbit. That little beggar had a shock of blond hair on his head that looked like he stole it from a dying cotton-candy machine. It sort of started at the back of his head and swept forward over his beady eyes. When he ran it blew straight off and tailed in the wind like the haphazard battle flag of a medieval madman. Looked like it would be a real bitch on a windy runway, boarding a flight with dozens of cameras recording your every move, if – that is – a basic mammal of limited intelligence like that were to somehow ever find itself in such a situation.”
After this rambling, if detailed, introduction, Mr. Crosby went on to relate how his dog gave chase to the mangy rabbit, following him right through a small hole in the privacy hedge, and thus causing Wayne to have to do the same.
“And when I got out the other side – my first time in the U.S. since that ass-toque Trump dog-whistled his way into the presidency – well wouldn’t you know it? I found that our entire hedge is flipping the bird in the direction of the Trumpster fire. And I said to myself, right then and there: Yessir, that’s my kind of shrubbery.”
Hedge experts believe the horticultural miracle was likely precipitated by the current president of the United States publicly denigrating the hedge’s home country of Canada, the same nation that has covered America’s substantial northern ass for over 150 years; joining it in war, teaching it to play hockey, and even (when it was the last one left at the bottom of the cooler and the liquor store had closed) drinking their beer. All to be thanked by muddled threats from an aspirational traffic cone in the worst-fitting suit all the money can buy.
“Clearly this hedge – like everything else living on the indisputably better side of Niagara Falls – has had enough,” says noted Canadian gardener, Drake, leaning on a long-handled weeder he calls his Pusha T, as he assesses a section of the border hedge a short drive from Toronto, that – like the rest of the 6400-odd kilometre growth – is undeniably giving the stick to the current leader of the states. “I think it’s safe to say Trump is messing with the wrong topiary. And, indeed, country.”