In an announcement that was more a scathing inditement of the West’s tolerance for tagines and cous-cous, than it was an endorsement of the North American fitness to host anything less aggressive than a Maury Povich talkshow; Mexico, Canada, and the last nostril-singeing vestiges of the great experiment known as the United States were today awarded the honour of hosting the 2026 World Cup, beating out Morocco. Because: brown people.
While precisely which American palace of opulent wealth surrounded by burning urban rubble will host the U.S. portions of the event, Canada and Mexico say they are looking forward to sharing the global occasion, as long as they get a few pairs of Ivanka flats and maybe some slingbacks out of it.
Hearing the news Donald Trump said some bullshit who cares.
In a turn of events that was not dissimilar to a couple being asked to give a speech on the healing power of marriage immediately after having had the car keys thrown at them in the driveway that morning, Canada attempted to put a brave face on the announcement.
“We look forward to hosting the World Cup with a great and forward thinking-nation that has long been a friend to Canada,” Prime Minister Trudeau said in a mid-afternoon press conference, before continuing. “As well as the United States.”
For their part Mexico said they’ll do as good a job as you can expect rapists, criminals and drug dealers to do with the limited resources they have left after paying for a wall to keep themselves contained.