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White House Says ‘Be Best’ Is As Correct Grammatically As Separating Families Is Morally

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If this is excellence you can fucking keep it.

In their relentless search for firsts, the United States has today admitted that the 2,000 children separated from their parents at the border by American officials over the last six weeks, fall under the auspices of a grand plan to be the first nation to split families without it ending in horror, shame, and a pain and trauma that can only be measured in generations. 

“This is America,” said Sarah Sanders, speaking over demands from reporters that she blink twice if she still has a soul. “When we rend families apart, we do it right, using the latest in abandoned Walmarts, tent cities, opaque justice systems, and poorly formed excuses for why this is necessary – as I’ve already said, Eisenhower could stop this if he really wanted to. But rest assured, as it falls to this administration to shoulder a task we didn’t want but have gone out of our way to create, we will split families better than any family has ever been split before.”   

Historians remain skeptical.

“This neither begins nor ends well,” says anyone who stayed awake for any portion of grades 1-12. “I distinctly remember exactly zero times that a nation which separated children from their parents didn’t go on to require an entire world war to stop – in the case of the Germans – or are still apologizing and attempting to make reparations – in the case of Canada and Australia. And those are just three examples from the last hundred years.”

White House officials say there is no similarity between any previous situation in which a powerful government unilaterally decided to separate children from their families indefinitely after telling them it was their own fault and that Homeland Security officials were just following orders. 

(While the question of which particular two-word combination in human language is officially the most damaging has long been a running debate – one that has lately had a name added to it – the general consensus remains that the term ‘following orders’ is to civilization as bonfires are to books, blindfolds are to brain surgery, and cutting off your hands is to catching the winning touchdown.) 

Despite the unexpected global outcry over the United States telling their parents they were just going to take their children for a bath and then NOT RETURNING THEM, the Trump administration has shown no sign of scaling back their plans to add successfully separating parents and children to the august list of firsts the superpower has accomplished. 

“Just as we once successfully put men on the moon because it was there,” said a suddenly sonorous Sanders, closing her daily episode of Tales From The Script. “Today we put children in detention because they came here. In the same way that gravity was no impediment to the space race, and grammar don’t hold back being best, neither will the countless examples from history have any bearing on our decision to become the first nation ever to successfully destroy the fabric of families without regret, or consequence. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to collect my children from don’t look at me like that Jim it’s different.”

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