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As Outrage Over Separated Families Grows, Trump Instructs Pentagon To Build A Time Machine

Time, the final distraction.

Faced with hard questions over whether the United States is going to continue to align itself with the worst elements of the world’s most heinous tendencies, by separating children from their families, Donald Trump chose to answer these concerns with a question of his own.

“What if I told you I could make a time machine?”

While lawmakers have long theorized that being able to time travel would offer important advantages to whichever nation developed that technology first, the timing of the announcement – at exactly the same moment that 6.9 out of 7 people on earth are wondering what the fuck is going on in America right now – seemed…strange. 

“I wasn’t going to tell you this, they all told me not to tell you this, because you know, they worry I’ll say too much about the things, but yes, today, with no further ah do, I am instructing the Department of Defence and the Pentagon to proceed with the creation of a time machine. And a cure for death. And some kind of corn that doesn’t get stuck in your teeth. Just bring it out in whatever order it’s ready.”

Physicists have been quick to point that the success of the project is highly unlikely, saying that if Trump could indeed make a time machine he’d almost certainly already have one. And hair. And not have gone financially bankrupt six times (it remains doubtful that any amount of time travel would have saved him from moral insolvency). 

“It is not enough merely to have an American presence in time,” Trump continued, speaking loudly over demands for him to reunite immigrant children with their families so his nation can continue to look at itself in the mirror in the coming days, weeks, and centuries, “we must have American dominance in time. So important. We have the Tooth Force, and we’re going to have the Time Force. Separate but equal. So great. Look, it’s an eagle eating a puppy.” And with that he was gone. 

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