A Canadian man has been fined 500 friends ever wanting to be seen in public with him, after being caught trying to smuggle a fresh new pair of have-you-no-taste, I-don’t-care-if-they’re-good-for-you, you-look-ridiculous, five-toed shoes across the U.S.-Canadian border today.
While the incident initially appeared to confirm Donald Trump’s theory that Canadians shop for shoes in America to avoid paying high prices at home, it was later discovered that – in this instance at least – this was not the case, as the man said his main motivation was simply not wanting anyone he knew to see him buying the patently foolish-looking footwear.
“Yeah, they are pretty pricey at home, it’s true,” Tom Sanderson admitted, after being released with a stern warning to show some self-respect. “But that isn’t why I drove five hours to get a pair. I just knew there was no chance I could even go down that aisle at Mountain Equipment Co-op without the whole store bursting into laughter. It’s like the shoes themselves are the punchline to a never-ending joke. But not for me. Foot-minimalism and toe-separation are no laughing matter. Is this going to be on the news?”
While, Mr. Sanderson claimed his motivation to shop south of the border for the toe-ticklers had nothing to do with the savings, this seems dubious, as Canada currently imposes a 400% tariff on the alternative shoes, due to being utterly absurd.
The United States Customs and Border Protection officer who caught Tom said that he was tipped him off by how new the shoes looked.
“It’s a huge problem here at the border,” Officer Dale Chippen says, grim-faced as he pushes the offending pair of Vibrams into an incinerator with a poorly-disguised look of disgust.
“Canadians come down here, cross our border, buy shoes and then scuff them up to look old. It’s a massive issue. People just scuffing everywhere, right in broad daylight; in parking lots, on sidewalks, sometimes even in the stores they bought them in, they’re so desperate to lay into their sneakers. It’s disgusting. And you should see them at Krispy-Kreme.”
What appears to have give Mr. Sanderson away is the inherent difficulty that lies in attempting to scuff between the toes of a of blatantly asinine pair of foot gloves.
“He didn’t stand a chance,” Officer Chippen says, shaking his head. “And while it isn’t technically illegal to buy those things and take them home, well, it sure as hell should be.”