“I simply told Ms. Sanders that I was sorry but we have a strict no asshole-enabling policy at this location,” said the owner of the Red Hen restaurant in Lexington, Virginia, who was forced to show the White House press secretary the door on Friday because:
“Those are the rules. I make them, and I enforce them, and when questioned I distance myself from them. As per the current American model.”
The incident appears to have been precipitated by Sanders’ insistence on appearing in public, after lying unabatedly for the past eleven months while assisting Donald Trump in his poorly-planned, but brutally effective, dismantlement of the American will to be better.
“The administration of this restaurant has made it clear that we will not serve those responsible for inhumane practices in this country,” the proprietor of the Red Hen read in a prepared statement, warning beforehand that she would be taking no questions on the matter afterwards.
“And, it is important to note, this is not our problem. This policy is the direct result of loopholes left in place by the Bob Evans that previously occupied this location. Quite frankly our hands are tied.”
Over the shouted questions of the gathered reporters, the owner then produced a Bible, pulled the scripture’s ribbon to open the good book to a pre-selected passage, and then cleared her voice and said:
“And lo, though people may make their peace with being horrible, and unlike anything decent, thou shalt be under no obligation to serve them breadsticks, or refills, or even let them cross the threshold of thine moderately-priced but amply-portioned establishment. And thou shalt tell Sarah also that her dad needs to calm the heck down, and that her boss is being an ass in all senses of the word. And then thou shalt remind everyone that the message of Jesus was fundamentally love. And then thou shalt vote with greater acumen in future. Ahmen.”
The restauranteur then closed the book, saying she felt that it pretty much spoke for itself.