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New City Of Toronto Bylaw Requires All Traffic Around Queen’s Park To Travel In Reverse

Doug Ford

Doug Ford, backing into another day at the new office.

In an apparent nod to the governing ethos of Doug Ford, the incoming premier of Ontario, the City of Toronto today announced a new bylaw making it mandatory for all vehicles wishing to transit the perimeter of Queen’s Park to first stop, look both ways, blame Kathleen Wynne, and then reverse back in the direction from which they came. 

The move comes as the Ford government declared yet another retreat on a key provincial issue, today stating that they will no longer assist with resettling asylum seekers who cross into the province from the United States, and intend to just leave it up to the municipal and federal governments to sort this out, apparently mistaking this critical matter for a fucking slice of birthday cake, one that they can just politely decline and say “thanks anyway but I’m trying to cut back on difficult issues with no easy answers.” 

The announced intention to pretend the global migrant situation is like a high school reunion, and something you can just choose not to participate in, joins Ford’s plan to bow out of the existence of climate change (and accompanying federal legislation mandating a carbon tax if the provinces don’t develop their own plan to deal with such), and his promotion of the idea that the best way to handle children’s sexual education is to close your eyes, put your fingers in your ears, and sing the Paw Patrol theme song until they get married.

Moving as quickly as the newly arrived government, and making as much sense, Toronto’s ‘Backing Out Bylaw’ went into effect immediately. By mid-afternoon there were already numerous accidents, and scores of irate and confused drivers standing in the blistering Toronto heat wondering what the hell was going on, and how going backwards just for the sake of going backwards makes any kind of sense; for a car, for a policy, for a government, or for anything at all.

“While we anticipate the new bylaw will cause no small amount of chaos for Toronto drivers,” said Mayor John Tory, looking grim, and fatigued after years of battling with one model of Ford or another that is stuck in reverse, “unfortunately that would seem to be representative of where the Progressive Conservatives intend to take this section of the city, and indeed province: ass-backwards on all fronts.”

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