“He’s a good man, strong on enforcing the law,” said Donald Trump, wading soberly into a supreme court nomination that will likely outlive him by a factor of ten – and has greater consequences than anything he has ever done other than logging into Twitter – when he today declared a dead Roman as his choice for deciding the defining issues in America.
“Jesus?” the president said, with characteristically misplaced enthusiasm. “Wasn’t Pontius’s fault. In fact he lobbied against the crucifixion, though you won’t hear the Democrats telling you that, oh no. Pilate is a moderate, let me tell you. But he understood that you have to have rules, and sometimes have to enforce those rules, even while doing a thing that people are still talking about long after the civilization he claimed to serve is gone. My kinda guy. Good man. A real patriot.”
The nomination of Pontius Pilate – who sentenced the son of God to die on the cross for refusing to endorse a tax break for the wealthy Romans, and for daring to say that even the poorest people of the world deserve respect and love – is expected to encounter stiff resistance from a Democratic senate that has already said they will simply not confirm an anti-migrant. anti Roe v. Wade, Roman dead guy.
“It’s absurd,” said Chuck Schumer, not even bothering to question the veracity of the news, as he – along with 68% of Americans – continues to suffer an administration whose actions render logical thought as meaningless as an altimeter in a two-dimensional universe.
“If that no-good, out-of-touch, anachronistic piece of shit thinks he can just waltz in here and upend all of the gains of modern society, he had better go back to being served grapes on the vine by a cadre of loin-clothed attendants.” The Democratic senator later clarifying that he was referring to the president.
For his part Trump seemed unruffled by the stir caused by his nomination of one of history’s most-hated men – and one who has long since been turned into dank worm dinners.
“This guy knows how to make the right calls,” the president added, waving aside shouted concerns from everyone, everywhere. “The Romans literally called him a Perfect. How great is that? I wish someone would call me a Perfect. Best job title. And then there’s the whole fitness thing.”
Trump paused here, and pursed his lips while waving his hands like a blowfish finding equilibrium.
“Incredible legacy right there. Literally one of the biggest contributions to man – and woman, especially woman – kind. Toned thighs and improved balance. Very important. Verrrrry important. Pilates. Beautiful thing. The best thing. This guy is a winner. Don’t worry about the Jesus thing. Society needs rules. God shoulda known better.”