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With Telegraph Lines Down, Ontario Sex-Ed Curriculum Dispatched By Horse, Steamship

The scene today at Queen’s Park, as the updated health and physical education curriculum was sent out by fast horse.

The Ontario PC party today encountered an unexpected wrinkle in their stated plan to return this province to a sexual education curriculum that pre-dates home computing, this century, the iron lung, and the Gettysburg address: telegraph lines are down and the next ship carrying parts from Europe has been blockaded by the Germans.

“Consarn it. What the bejabbers shallst we do?” the newly appointed Minister of Education, Lisa Thompson, was heard to ask, as she adjusted her bustle and wondered aloud when this infernal heat will lift, or someone would at least invent some sort of method for conditioning air.

“‘Tis calamity indeed ma’am,” responded a PC party aide, informing Thompson that with forest fires in Temagami, a poor barley season last year meaning the horses will have to forage for clover as they go, and the difficulty in procuring anyone willing to ride from Queen’s Park to Kenora, it was possible many Ontario schools would commence the 2018-2019 school year without having received the archaic curriculum, as well as the copy of the Rosetta Stone necessary to translate it.

Unable to abide the current sex-ed syllabus for even one more turnip season – and how could they, addressing as it does such topical concepts as ‘cyber-bullying’ and inflammatory ideas as ‘inclusiveness,’ while completely glossing over the difficulties of living life with hairy palms – the PCs have made it clear that they will take this province back into the sexual dark ages if they have to do it by penny-farthing and carrier pigeon.

“We made a promise to the people of Ontario. All two hundred of them,” said the Right Honourable Doug Ford, pausing in his seasonal work as a cannabis farmer to address the issue of preparing teenagers to abstain from the wages of sin, and ensuing death.

“So as sure as the earth is 6,000 years old and tomatoes are poisonous, we will be reverting to the old sex-ed curriculum this fall, as an interim measure while we research what the Dead Sea scrolls have to say on the subject.”

So ride good horsemen, paid ten-and-four dollars an hour and not a nickel more. Ride to the four corners of this fair province and spread the word: old is new. New is old. Ford is here. Backwards is forwards. 

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