The world needs wonder no longer what exactly went on in the freighted, closed doors meeting in Helsinki today, when Vladimir “The Cake Charmer” Putin, and Donald “The Great White Misanthrope” Trump, sat down for a friendly back-and-forth on how badly America has treated Russia, that money actually can buy you love, and how misunderstood Thanos is in the Avengers series.
“We covered some serious issues, let me tell you,” Trump said in a follow-up debriefing, provided on Air Force Glum – a nickname recently bestowed to the presidential 747 on a trip that is widely being recognized as the worst example of an American leader leaving the country, ever.
“After he assured me he loves the American people like he loves free and fair elections, the press, and Russian ex-pats living in London who had it fucking coming, we really didn’t have a whole lot more to cover,” the U.S. president reported, while leafing through a series of artist’s renditions of what Air Force One would look like if it were painted to look like a giant middle finger.
“This one’s nice,” he said to John Kelly, who had reclined his chair, pulled his sleep-mask down, and was screaming at the top of his lungs. “I like how big the hand looks in general. Very imposing. Do you think the finger is too subtle? John really, I can’t understand a word you’re howling.”
After instructing John Bolton to apply a pillow to Kelly’s face for “as long as it takes, Jesus John don’t they teach you anything when you become a National Security Adviser?” Trump continued.
“So, with all the big business out of the way, we settled down to a nice, enjoyable game of checkers that quite frankly was one of the most fair, and most enjoyable experiences of my 42 years.”
The president was interrupted at this juncture by a phone ringing beside him. He answered it and, after listening for a brief moment, proudly announced that the caller was Putin himself. Moments later he was putting the Russian president on speakerphone, at the other leader’s request.
“Everything he told you is correct,” a quiet voice said from the phone, as Trump beamed, and gave the phone a thumb’s up while pointing to his own chest and making the ‘ok’ sign – seemingly unruffled by the Russian leader having a live accounting of his as-yet-unreported presser.
“Except for the bit about the checkers. I do not play this. I only play chess. And I only win.”
There was a click – one that sounded loudly in the interior of the plane – and Putin was gone. Trump’s smile staled in real time, and as Bolton ushered everyone out of the area the president was heard to say, in a bemused but clear voice:
“Well that explains why the guy wouldn’t king me.”
Photo: Doug Mills, The New York Times