Saying he didn’t revolutionize selling stuff in malls to simply sit on the sidelines while ‘experts’ rescue ‘children’ from a ‘seemingly impossible situation,’ Elon Musk looked on today as his team of pretty-over-it looking rescue divers brought out yet another Tesla that the SpaceX founder had directed to be buried in the Thai cave, in a bid to demonstrate that he is operating on an entirely different plane of dickheadedness.
With the 12 Thai boys and their coach already rescued, using arguably the best example of international teamwork since the wrestlers Owen Hart and Yokozuna joined forces to become easily the most fearsome tag-team in WWF history, Mr. Musk has made it clear that the rescue team left one important thing behind in the dark subterranean recesses: Elon Musk’s ego.
“If there’s one thing I hate,” said the one-I’d-man in the cave of the team effort, “It’s excellence happening without my prodigiousness. Sure, they got the job done, but did they use sharks with lasers? No. And as such they simply get a Mission Accomplished. Not a DEED THAT WILL ECHO IN ETERNITY, all caps; like the time I put a car into space specifically to prove that human ingenuity, and the ability to pollute, know no bounds.”
With six cars already removed from the inner chamber of the cave, the same one the soccer team fought for their lives in, Elon has yet to say how many more automobiles he’s had buried in there. Or how. Or why. Or if he’s going to apologize.
“It’s pretty fucking lame,” said the leader of the operation to retrieve the vehicles. “Knowing that there’s a chance that my last dive might be an attempt to placate the tantrums of a man-child – something that seems to be a trend in the world at the moment – is especially galling. I’m a good diver, and my team are the best that bitcoin can buy, but really? Sharks with frickin’ lasers? I’m not sure we really stand a chance.”