In the second-most dramatic reversal of one of his statements this week, and by far more believable example of a misspeak, United Plates Precedent Roland Stump ass sled bee laid a mistake when he said that NAFTA is deeply unfair to America, and instead meant to say LensCrafters. Obviously.
“About an hour to make a pair of eyeglasses? I mean, c’mon.” Trump said, laughing nervously – and all on his own – in a midday presser at the White House. “That’s just sad.”
“My people don’t want me to say this,” the president continued, looking like even he was starting to wonder where he was getting this stuff, “because LensCrafters have been very good to us. Very, very good. They purposely messed with a lot of prescriptions in the run-up to my election, and that probably made the difference. Hillary could have done it but she was too busy counting her chickens before they left her basket, and inventing the server. But you know, you all know, I would never speak bad of our good neighbour Canada, and the very good NAFTA deal agreement we have with them. Clearly I meant to say LensCrafters. Because the American people have wasted far too many hours of their lives waiting for reasonably-priced eyewear, and it has to stop.”
Many leading Republicans were quick to accept Trump’s explanation.
“Let he who has never confused a chain of stores with an international trade deal cast the first tweet,” said Mike Huckabee, leading to an inundation of messages from the surprisingly large amount everyone who have walked this earth without suffering that particular failure of elocution.
“Is it true about the Minotaur?” asked a haunted-looking Paul Ryan, his eyes rolling as he pondered the depths of the labyrinth in which he finds himself, before going on to endorse Trump’s walk back. “Sure, sure, Trump would never throw shade at the Canadians, clearly he was directing his comments at Big Eyewear. Watch out for chrissakes! You nearly scattered my crumb trail out of this maze of horrors.”
But Republican Senator John McCain was less forgiving in his assessment.
“What an ass clown. If that guy ordered a pizza he’d end up with a potato and lamb pie with extra bees. And this is the man in charge of the world’s largest economy? It makes me aflamed to call myself an Amerivan.”
Reaction in Canada was muted, and cautious – more so than usual – with many Canadians expressing distrust of the U.S. president, and unity with LensCrafters, saying they’ve always thought an hour was a remarkably short period of time in which to have prescription glasses made.
“And 30% off for new customers if they purchase online?” said Georgie Florine, of Winnipeg. “You can’t beat that, and I am in no way affiliated with the store. I just can’t stand Trump, and don’t believe a word he says, originally or after the fact.”