News

Breaking: 401 Barricaded With Wall Of Lattes As Toronto Secession Begins

Photo: Justin Main (on Instagram as @photified)

Breaking: The Toronto secession appears to have begun. City Hall has been relocated to Ward’s Island, and the ferries are running supplies in convoys from the mainland, protected from provincial U-boats by a fleet of kayakers with quick wits, no chill, and an active presence on Twitter.

The drastic move appears to be in response to Doug Ford threatening to do to the city of Toronto what he’s already done to his family’s business, running it into the ground after inheriting it irrespective of merit, and then bilking it of all personal gain while promising employees buck-a-beers, and simultaneously freezing their wages.

The renegade ‘Churontonians’ have acted quickly. Pearson is closed, and the 401 blocked off with a solid wall of lattes at the east and west borders of the new city-state, which appears to have been renamed Drakelvania.

While still in its nascent stages the new province – or nation, details remain scarce – says it stands for equality, bat flips, a monkey’s right to wear a shearling jacket to IKEA, educational curriculums created this millennium, and welcoming asylum seekers for reasons explained in the designation.

Doug Ford’s Etobicoke home, as well as Queen’s Park, appear to have been surrounded by trained raccoons, who claim to be able to smell trash from over a klick away, and are taking the day in shifts, with supply chains running to nearby Timmies’ bins.

The situation remains fluid, due in large part to everyone involved drinking heavily; as it’s Saturday, and because Ford made them do it. Authorities are advising all residents in the greatest city on Lake Ontario (sorry Hamilton and Kingston, not sorry Rochester) remain close to home, and stay tuned for updates from #thesixecession as they develop.

Update 09:01 AM EDT (Eastern Drakelvania Time): Roaming bands of joggers are informing visitors from the 905 and beyond, that they’re welcome to stay in the new entity, as long as they’re in favour of proportional representation, food trucks, and bringing Toronto Secession Update: Roaming bands of joggers are informing visitors from the 905, and beyond, that they’re welcome to stay in the new entity, as long as they’re in favour of proportional representation, food trucks, and bringing back DeRozan.

Doug Ford is expected to release a statement on the situation sometime in the next hour. No one appears to care.

Categories: News

Tagged as:

1 reply »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s