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Doug Ford Says If People Want Basic Income They Should Go Out And Inherit It Like He Did

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Ford, seen here estimating the number of breaks he’s been given, moments before declining to provide one for others.

As Ontario took yet another step back in time – to a simpler era where serfs knew their place, as well as how much of their labour was owed in dues, and how to avert their eyes when the noblemen Escaladed amongst them, promising that they were for the people – Doug Ford remained adamant in saying that if people wanted guaranteed income, they should get off their ass and be born into a wealthy family the same way he was.

“Folks. Money doesn’t just grow on trees,” the noted arborist – and current premier of Ontario – said, reading haltingly from his cue cards. “It is put into your account by your mom and dad every Friday like mine was. If you don’t have a mom and dad with a lot of money that is sad. But I can’t help that. What I can do is buy you a beer. For a dollar. Thank you.”

The premier’s moving speech was delivered after Lisa Macleod, Ontario’s newest Minister Of Returning To A Feudalistic Society, informed the province that her government was cancelling the basic income trial program mid-stride, because, “That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, we like it.”

Hearing of incidents in which those already involved in the pilot project have enrolled in schools, signed up for skill-acquisition programs, and made plans to live some semblance of a realized life if that’s ok with everyone else, Premier Ford doubled-down.

“Look guys, when my wife’s cooking in the kitchen and she needs a dish to hold her scallions, she uses something called a ramekin. Not a ramecan’t. You know what I’m saying?” Sensing that the large crowd of reporters did not, in fact, know what he was saying, the premier confidently continued.

“It’s basics people. You got your haves, and you got your have-nots. That’s as old as people borrowing land from knights in exchange for giving them the bulk of what they grew on that land. Why did that system die out?” The premier nodded to Macleod to look into it. He then returned his attention to a text from his investment adviser. And only when that was complete, finished his thought.

“Let me put it as simply as I can: tax cuts for the wealthy aren’t cheap. Neither is underwriting gas prices to encourage everyone to forget that climate change malarky. And dollar beers don’t pay for themselves. Luckily for you though, I’m buying. But don’t thank me. Thank my dad.”

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12 replies »

  1. Ford’s speechwriter forgot to mention the part where you skewer your brother’s widow and children for a bonus windfall.

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  2. Dumb southern people voted this ass in now he thinks that some folks should have rich parents like him doesn’t work that way them parents didn’t have it easy growing up making 30 cents a hour in 1930 you dumb ass and had kids that did work for little to nothing in them days and tried to keep families together well that wasn’t the case family were separated cause couldn’t feed their families again so just because you carry the Ford name you had it good well screw you because people like you are another trump

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  3. Don’t particularly like Doug Ford, who doesn’t know when to let his minions do the talking. But he is absolutely right about individuals and families taking responsibility for themselves. It begins with education, continues with hard wor, and ends with working smart to recognize opportunities and seize the day!

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  4. Makes me sick. Some people need the hand. I have been trying for 15 years to work. I have a disability and really do have a hard time getting anyone to give me a real shot. I’m a hard worker and willing to do what it takes but the stats are out there. People in my situation are sadly much less likely to secure employment

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