Religious scholars, apologists, lapsed God-botherers, convenience prayers, skeptics, atheists, and pizza-makers alike, were sent scrambling early this morning when Jehovah ‘The Ancient Of Days and Lord On High’ accidentally responded to everyone cc’d in on one boy’s prayer. Early reports indicate the subject of the beseeching was – adorably, if somewhat unrealistically – pizza for all.
“Tommy, so glad to hear you like pizza,” read the response in the sky over everywhere, as the sun rose on a planet’s-worth of sinners who haven’t received a whole lot of direction over the last two thousand years. (The message was also found written onto every grain of sand on every beach, burnt into toast, at the end of the Deadpool 2 credits, and in the steam of all the mirrors in all the bathrooms on earth.)
“I like pizza too,” the hermetic deity’s message continues, “though I can’t have it as often as I used to, as my acid reflux has worsened with the passing eons. I guess that’s what happens when you exist for an eternity! What are your favourite toppings? Mine are the randomness of death, and logical conundrums, such as how if someone on an island lives their entire life without hearing about Jesus Christ, they can still be sent to hell for not asking him to save them from their sins. Deeeeee-lish.”
While obscure in its tone, the message is already being heralded as the most important communiqué from the heavens since Deigo Maradona handballed a goal over the head of England’sPeter Shilton, setting Brexit in motion, and effectively ending the British Empire; as per God’s Will.
“Well for starters, it’s clear we have a new communion food,” said Pope Francis, in a hastily called press conference at the Vatican, after he’d gotten over the fact that the King of Kings had chosen to use non-pontiff-related communication channels for a change. “I was pretty over the whole stale bread thing anyway, so I for one welcome God’s admission that he likes pizza. Henceforward that will accompany all masses, though with more easily digestible toppings than those He mentioned, and allowances made for everyone afflicted with the new stigmatas: acid reflux, and gluten intolerance.”
Typically of most prayers, the boy who made the initial request – nine-year-old Tommy Chen, of Markham, Ontario – says he just wants to know if everyone is “going to get some pie or what?”
“It’s pretty cool that He replied, even after my parents told me that it was an unreasonable thing to ask for, but I’ve read His message a few times now, and I kind of feel like He’s avoiding the question. I may only be nine, but it seems to me like that’s something He does a lot.”
The going-into-grade-fiver added that he’s re-asked the question, and “included a little motivation to get the big guy moving.”
“I told him if he didn’t answer me there wasn’t a chance in heck he was going to get re-elected. There’s a lot of competition out there these days.”