Doug Ford came up against an immediate road block to his plans to score a free statue, own the libs, and show his base he unnerstans them, when late this afternoon he was informed that the statue he informed the City of Victoria he would take off their hands was not an ode to the man who invented the Big Mac, and had no role in the creation of the McFlurry.
As the young man working at the City of Victoria who broke the news to the Ontario premier tells it, it took some convincing.
“I didn’t really believe it was Doug Ford calling at first,” said Tom Tommpsom, a security guard at Victoria’s City Hall, who happened to answer the phone when Ford phoned, demanding to speak to someone in the statue shipping department, pronto.
“But. Then? He started. To talk? Like. This. And called me buddy three times in one sentence, so I knew it had to be him.”
Mr. Tommpsom goes on to describe how he first had to convince Ford that there was no specific department in charge of shipping statues, “because that would be as crazy as arbitrarily halving the number of Toronto City Councillors,” before realizing what a grave error the premier had made regarding the subject of the statue.
“He told me that if I couldn’t find someone for him to speak to he was going to drive over here and get the statue himself. And then he added that it was an absolute disgrace that the man who gave us the Fillet-O-Fish was going to have his effigy mothballed just to please some out-of-control vegans.”
Tom says that after putting Ford on hold to catch his breath, he returned to the call to sombrely inform the premier that the statue was, in fact, in commemoration of the first Prime Minister of Canada. And was being taken down because of sensitivity to the fact that while Sir John A Macdonald founded Canada, he also helped separate over 150,000 First Nation, Inuit and Métis children from their families.
“Who? Did what? To who? The hell you talking about?” were reportedly Ford’s words on receiving the news. “Listen. I’m trying to get the statue of the man who invented really slow Monopoly on cups. What’s all this about First Nations. Are you an NDPer?”
After convincing the recently-elected leader of Ontario that there was no such man, and then diffusing further confusion by informing him that additionally the statue had no moustache, thus forcing Ford to admit that it couldn’t be of NHL great Lanny Mcdonald either, Tommpsom says that the premier took a long pause before continuing in a more subdued tone.
“Nothing to do with fries?”
“Never played for the Flames?”
“Not a game.”
“Did he have a farm?”
“I’m sorry sir.”
“Well what the hell are we going to do with a statue of a guy who pissed everyone off? If I wanted one of those I’d get a bust made of myself. Whoa. I gotta go.”