“Never in the history of places has anyone said, ‘Take me down to Calgary city,'” says Axl Rose, shaking his head and rubbing the knuckles of his fingerless leather gloves. “That is a stone cold, wikipediable, google-searchable, Trump-ignorable fact. One which leaves me wondering what the hell is going on over there at the…Economic Intelligence Unit? And whether or not I need to get on over there and welcome them to the jungle.”
The outburst from the Firearms N’ Flowers lead singer comes in the immediate aftermath that has followed the release of the updated list of the wold’s most liveable cities. A list which, unbelievably, does not include “Mother-effin’ Paradise City, man,” as Mr. Rose puts it.
“The grass is green. The girls? Pretty. Who wouldn’t want to call it home? Call. It. Home. Yea-eah.”
The Economic Intelligence Unit says they disagree.
“It’s all fine and well to have verdant grass and attractive females,” says the EIU’s Head of Research and Snubbing The United States, Geoff Buckly, responding to Axl’s concerns. “But we’re aware of numerous urchins living under the streets. Those are hard cases. They’re tough to beat.”
Pressed on the matter, Dr. Buckly produces an extended list of items contributing to Paradise City’s low score on the Liveability Index.
“They have a gas chamber. Their surgeon general himself says it’s hazardous to breath. People can’t smoke because it’s too hard to see. And somebody named Captain America was recently torn apart. I, for one, do not want to be taken down to Paradise City, and I can’t imagine many people who would.”
Sympathy for the naively-named locale appears to fall largely along national lines, with Canadians and Australians saying that while they do love a little GNR, the total lack of healthcare in ‘Paradise’ is a non-starter, and Americans wondering what in sam hill is wrong with a utopia in which a health crisis can bankrupt you?
“So you’re going to tell me that three Canadian cities – three of which I’ve never heard of – and four Austrians cities, one in mainland Austria, and the others down in that big Austria beside New Zealand, are better than any town in the you-ess-of-eh?” said Fox News’ Tucker Carlson, on his evening program.
“While never one to put much stock in UK-based listicles with a clear anti-American bias, even I have to wonder: Where do we go now? Where do we go now? Oh oh. Oh oh. Ay-ee-ay-ee-ay-ee-ayyyyy, where do we go now?”