As Conservative Party of Canada crews worked around the clock to keep up with the mounting disaster that is Maxime Bernier’s political career – hampered by tinder dry online conditions, and nasty Twitter undergrowth – NASA has today released images showing that smoke from the conflagration is now visible from space.
“In the recently received photos, it is clear that smoke from the Bernier Blazes has crossed all provincial borders, and spread into large parts of the United States,” said a NASA spokesperson, speaking from Cape Canaveral through a dust filter, as air quality across the continent continued to drop in the wake of the Quebec MP’s venting his noxious views.
Tweets 6, 16, and 25 – numbered from last Sunday, when the blazes began to intensify – appear to have caused the most damage so far, charring Conservative credibility across the country and concerning international observers who had thought that the Canadian forest remained generally free of the dreaded Ass Bore disease.
“It’s a grim reminder of what can happen when old growth of Mr. Bernier’s vintage gets a little top-heavy, starts to dry out, and begins to lose touch with its root system,” said forester Sam Pleissnomor, a specialist in discerning the trees from their surrounding environs.
“And once that starts to happen, you can get a situation in which that forest begins to lean drastically in a particular direction, in this case hard right, and becomes very susceptible to spreading poorly considered ideas through the Twitter canopy. If you get enough of these guys in a small enough area, let’s call it the Conservative Party, you can get a heck of a blaze.”
In a positive development for the firefighters working to put a cork in the man, Bernier’s mid-week fixation with Canadian journalist Rosemary Barton offered a welcome respite from pointing out that extreme multiculturalism is by far Canada’s best sport. But the rest was short-lived.
“I have two feet,” Maxime tweeted early enough on a Monday to make many Canadians wonder when exactly polinados stopped following business hours. “They have served me well, and I am proud of having two feet. But surely at some stage we have to begin to ask ourselves: could we not just get by with one foot? Or none? And who even asked us if we wanted feet? I have spoken to many Canadians and they think that paws are much better suited to our northern environment, and more easily integrated into the same. Why can’t we have paws? Before you answer, let me add that these are reasonable questions that Justin Trudeau, with his extreme multi-feetedness, refuses to answer. Eventually he will have us all dancing, and roundhouse kicking things, and using stairs. I for one think we need to discuss whether that sounds like fun. No. I am not anti-foot. I am just pro-paw.”
Reached for comment, CPC leader Andrew Scheer said Maxime burns for himself, though added that he personally believes he was given two left-feet, if someone is taking orders.