CATSKILLS – Despite the surprising lack of interest from some American hunters, whose political inclinations appear to have overruled their general enjoyment of killing anything to which there is a season, all witch trapping was officially extended today. Indefinitely.
“This decision comes after taking into account the successes of this year’s witch hunt in bagging game as large as a Lieutenant General, as well as a campaign chairman and two political advisors to the current sitting president,” confirmed the world’s leading expert in tracking necromancers, Robert the Mueller.
“Also at play is the fact that if left unchecked, the population of witches in the Republican party are projected to reach vermin levels by November, and could well overrun entire political ecosystems. With that in mind we have received authorization to take the obvious course of action, and extend hunting for witches well into the foreseeable future.”
Unspoken amongst many witch pursuers is the belief that the big one is still out there.
“Oh yeah,” says Timothy Ribald, a fourth generation witcher from the Catskills, who claims to have lost three good dogs and all hope in democracy due to recent witchery, but can’t give up the hunt.
“We’ve all heard tell of a slow-witted, fluorescent-orange Wiccan roaming the eastern seaboard, flushed out of his tower by his ego, relationships with Russia, and miscalculation of how susceptible the American electorate is to populism – turning what was meant to be a publicity stunt into a spectacle so asinine Steven Seagal is making a cameo. Sure. I for one would give my left nut to bag that man.”
While initially refusing to directly address the legend of the tangerine trickster, Trapper Mueller pauses when asked if he has a snare large enough to fit so substantial an ass.
“I wouldn’t worry about that,” he says, sniffing the wind and sizing up the clouds. “The real question is: does the ass have a plan for not trapping himself. Because as it stands I think I could finish this hunt from a beach chair in Hawaii. Especially with this extended season.”