The distant prison island of Australia is today experiencing a rare moment of peace, following a pitched and bloody battle for the leadership for that colony of direct descendants of criminals and ne’er-do-wells. It is the fifth time in as many years that a riot for power has rippled through the social experiment gone about as expected, and UN observers say that the mood on the streets is now one of cautious hope that the days of general lawlessness might now be able to successfully pass into years.
“Mate, when I saw the bog-roll come flying out of the prime minister’s cellblock, I knew we had another fair dinkum riot for the leadership going down between the Libs and the Libs,” says a tanned man with shifty eyes, walking past the cinder-block-and-barb-wired Canadian High Commission, in Canberra. “So I cracked me a stubby and watched the mongrels have at it. Just another day here in the sunniest lock-up on earth.”
In an unusual twist for a major Australian news story, this one did not involve anyone named Irwin, with Bindi (daughter of Steve, the deceased King Of Australia) deemed to be a little young for the eye-gouging, teeth-busting, no-holds-barred rigours of becoming gang leader of the antipodean ‘nation’.
The new leader, Scott ‘Deadeye’ Morrison, is reportedly still recovering from wounds sustained in what many are calling the craziest flying head butt they have ever seen administered in the parliamentary yard, which he used to end the cage match between himself and the previous ruler of the roost, Malcolm ‘Redrum’ Turnbull.
International responses so far have been muted, with many governments pointing out that as long as they all stay on their island, the Australians can change prime minister’s as often as Mel Gibson changes agents (before adding that that right there is a great example of why the Aussies shouldn’t be allowed out). For their part the Canadian government simply reissued the same statement they give whenever the inmates down under engage in an internal struggle.
“Thank God there is a vast ocean separating us. Though you wouldn’t know it walking around Whistler. Struth mate.”