As Dee Fynn – a baker at the Halifax Convention Centre – tells it, he was just looking for somewhere quiet to make a quick phone call on his midday break, when he stumbled upon what many are calling a ‘bizarre, if not entirely unexpected’ find.
“I walked into the ballroom, already dialling my buddy to see if he wanted to head down to The Seahorse Tavern later for a few drinks,” Dee described to a national reporter, who just happened to be town. “But before I could tell my friend that I needed a beer worse than Andrew Scheer needs a Liberal spending scandal, I saw that on stage – in a room I had assumed was empty – were two complete relics. And they were speaking like politicians did back when a new Studebaker cost $1700, and coulee get around a kilometre per litre.”
He went on to describe the curios he discovered at the front of the conference room as, “A big one. And then another decent-sized guy beside him with a smile still plastered on his face.”
The finding has political historians wondering if they’ve been rendered effectively redundant.
“What Mr. Fynn appears to have stumbled upon is a completely preserved, intact, political ideology from the middle of the last century,” says Dr. Laurent du Var, a leading researcher in the field of Ancient Canadian History. “Complete with a total aversion to environmental restrictions, regressive views on abortion rights, similarly hindward looking tolerance for a person’s entitlement to end their own life, and an attachment to pipelines that would make a Mario brother blush. Frankly I didn’t think I’d see a political package like this again in my grandfather’s lifetime.”
And, what is perhaps most interestingly of all, an entire federal party was discovered nearby to the rare finds. One which appears intent on using the dated thinking as a platform with which to win an election. In 2019.
“The Canadian Progressive Conservative party was seen, en masse, in the same room as the less-than-golden, surprisingly-not-very-olden men,” Laurent continues.
“While frozen, and more than a little stiff, the men were clearly still capable of repeating lines taken directly from a period of this country’s history that pre-dates the Canada Health Act, legalization of abortion, NAFTA, and four of the Toronto Maple Leaf’s Stanley Cups. Just to give you an idea of how far back we’re going here.”
For his part, the baker, Dee, says the whole thing gave him the creeps.
“It was like time had stopped for these guys, but gone on to do a heck of a lot of great things for everyone else. Accomplishments that they seemed to take as personal slights, and challenges to be rewound. Like an 8-track, or whatever it was they listened to back in their day.”
While he says he’s been assured that the artifacts will be gone by the end of the weekend, Fynn says that he won’t be going back into the ballroom any time soon.
“And I sure as hell won’t be voting for any antiques.”