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A Tumultuous Day In Ontario Leaves Everyone Asking Same Thing: Who Will Write The Op-Ed?


QUEEN’S PARK – As Doug Ford moved to use the notwithstanding clause to make himself the first premier of Toronto, there was just one question left on the minds of all those who still thought it was worth even trying anymore: who will write the anonymous op-ed?

“Presumably it will run in The Star,” one seasoned reporter was overheard saying to another in a low, tired voice, after an afternoon of listening to a guy who claims to be nothing like Donald Trump discuss his reasons for enacting the provincial equivalent of executive privilege. 

“I overheard Caroline Mulroney asking them what their policy is regarding revealing their sources,” said the other reporter, lighting a cigarette and staring out onto the gathering rush hour of a city that today learned that democracy means getting into power on an upswell of antipathy towards the previous government’s overreach, and then doing whatever the hell you want. 

“You can’t rule out Christine Elliott either,” said the first reporter, shouting over the horns and abuse being hurled at Queen’s Park by people from outside the city, reacting to the news that Ford also intended to use the notwithstanding clause to change the province’s name to Torontario, in keeping with his vindictive focus on the fief-Dome by the lake. 

“Christine raised three kids, triplets no less. She knows what it means to be the adult in the room. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure I saw a tattoo on her ankle that said ‘Lodestar.'”

Others have speculated that Lisa MacLeod, Peter Bethlenfalvy, Raymond Cho, Steve Clark, Vic Fedeli, Merrilee Fullerton, Ernie Hardeman, Syvlia Jones, Monte McNaughton, Rod Phillips, Greg Rickford, Laurie Scott, Todd Smith, Lisa Thompson, Michael Tibollo, Jim Wilson, John Yakabuski, Jeff Yurek, and the rest of Ontario PC caucus, could all be amply motivated to write an anonymous take down of Mr. Ford. The fact that their party would have been just as in power if a cast-iron sewer grate had run at the top of their ticket, but they could have then skipped the ensuing ineptitude, would alone surely provide sufficient cause to put pen to unsigned paper. 

“Well, I hope they don’t wait very long to write it,” the smoking reporter said, carefully extinguishing his cigarette in the designated receptacle nine metres from the closest entrance, with due respect for the laws of the province as they stand. Never dreaming of overturning or flaunting them just to settle a score, or play into a personal vice. 

“See you tomorrow Tom,” the butted-out reporter said to the other, turning up his collar against the encroaching uncertainty of the coming evening. 

“Notwithstanding I quit first,” the other replied, raising his voice over another sustained honk from an irate driver.

“Sure. Me too. Notwithstanding I quit first.”

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