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Trump Administration Closely Watching Storm That Forecasters Say May Affect White People

HFlorenceSaying that estimates show as few as 120,000 Puerto Ricans living in the combined Carolinas, U.S. President Donald Trump has today instructed his team to prepare all possible resources to assist the estimated 11 million white residents from that same area, as they brace themselves for Hurricane Florence. 

“We learned a lot from Hurricane Maria,” said White House Chief of Staff John Kelly, as he bent to the formidable task of calculating the level of federal assistance to offer storm impacted regions, based on the likelihood that those areas would ever vote Republican. “Mostly that Puerto Rico is a part of the United States. Who knew?”

Packing wind speeds of up to 140 m.p.h – making it almost as powerful as last year’s storm, in whose aftermath Donald Trump infamously told Puerto Ricans to “have a good time,” before effectively abandoning them – Hurricane Florence is expected to wreck havoc on the Eastern Seaboard. 

“And we will be there for each and every white Republican,” the president stated emphatically, brushing aside concerns that he cares only for his base.

“Puerto Rico was a totally different can of Democrats,” Trump continued, speaking over frantic waving from his retinue of aides, as they anticipated where the president was going with this. 

“First of all, it’s an island, which means it’s surrounded by water. Maybe if we had the largest navy in the world we could have done something there to, you know, help with the recovery from Hurricane Mariana. But we don’t. We have the second biggest fleet, after China, depending on how you calculate it. So really our hands were tied there. Not to mention, and this is important, nobody I know speaks Puerto Rican. The language barrier was very difficult. And then on top of all that you still had Raul Castro in charge down there at the time the storm hit. As everyone knows, I refuse to work with non-Caucasian communists, for obvious reasons.”

Finally heeding the arm motions being described by his staff, Trump then pivoted adroitly back to the present.

“But none of this will be an issue this year. We stand ready to commit unlimited resources to any red states lying in the path of this terrible storm. This is a very different picture to last year. We don’t need to holster our Navy, we all speak the same language, and the Carolinas aren’t run by communists. With that in mind, we will stand firmly, shoulder to shoulder, with our fellow Republican donors, and correctly pigmented Americans.”

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