In a sign of the determined, dogged, and deliberately detrimental leadership Ontarians can expect from their new government over the next four years, Premier Doug Ford announced on Friday that he will not take a nap until he has fixed the problems he inherited from Doug Ford on Monday.
“I will not lie on my inflatable duck in the pool. I will not watch someone mow my lawn and wash my car. Nor will I watch the Argos lose,” the leader of the Ontario PCs said, his voice echoing off of the hallowed walls of protesters, lining the provincial legislature.
“But most of all, I will not continue working on the limited platform I actually campaigned on, until I have completed all of the things I purposely didn’t mention doing because then I’d never have gotten here.”
Reactions from Ford’s team were enthusiastic, if odd.
“I can’t wait to spend all weekend helping Mr. Ford bring us under the scrutiny of Amnesty International,” said Caroline Mulroney, smiling so hard it made it a sound, like glass breaking.
“Me too,” said Christine Elliott, as she was carried past on a stretcher. “Thank God I lost the leadership race to Ford by four ridings, amidst a flurry of voting irregularities. It would have been just awful for us to be wrapping up a week of moving ahead on a logical, balanced, non-revenge-driven platform, without drawing rebukes from pretty much every living Canadian politician. How boring!”
For his part, the premier said that cleaning up the mess he left for himself would take time, and money, and resources, and maybe making more messes, and time, and money, and resources.
“But rest assured, people of Ontario. Nearly 17% of you voted for me based on very limited information, and I will not take a day off until I have given you what you didn’t know you wanted: a faster, more efficient way to screw the pooch.”