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City Revokes Really Shitty Nightclub’s Permit

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DJ Ford, telling everyone its his party and he’ll clause if he wants to. Photo: THE CANADIAN PRESS/Chris Young

Saying it caused far too great a disturbance for a Monday night, or any other day of the week in a democratic nation, the City of Toronto today revoked the permit for the new night spot “Club Notwithstanding.” The facility, which opened its doors late last night with the expressed intention of pissing everyone off, was immediately inundated with angry neighbours demanding that it stop creating such an unnecessary disturbance.

“It was being held in a goddamn legislative assembly,” said one woman, who also said that she’d never met a professional protester in her life, and was surprised to be asked if she was one. “The hell are they doing opening a brightly lit nightclub full of rich stiffs in the middle of Queen’s Park? It’s almost like the new owner, Doug whatshisface, thinks he can just do whatever he wants.”

For its part, the city has made it clear that he can’t.

“Effective immediately we are revoking the permit for a nightclub/entertainment establishment in Queen’s Park,” said the Mayor John Tory, in a sign that his recent spinal replacement surgery was a success. “To be honest, that one just slipped through the cracks. Though, in fairness, we had no idea that Premier Ford was going to open a disco in there, apparently so that he and his party could show everyone their latest dance move: The Constitution Shuffle.”

Reports from inside the club were that it sucked worse than it sounded.

“No music, everyone was overdressed, and the VIP section was full of assholes,” said a man who managed to get inside the doors and into the upper floor of the speakeasy, before the manager, a Mr. Speaker, ordered everyone who was not a member be kicked out. 

“He said we had to sit quietly. What kind of a nightclub does that?”

Toronto residents say that while they’re glad to hear that the disco will remain shut, many of them were quick to add that something about the whole affair seemed strange. A view that was supported by city officials.

“After reviewing video footage of the establishment in operation, we have determined that no one in attendance was drinking, smiling, or having anything approaching a good time. The facility did not open its doors until after midnight, and then remained open until nearly 7 AM, well past the permitted closing time. These facts, along with the generally suspicious demeanour of the blonde guy in charge, has led us to believe that Club Notwithstanding may have been a front for something very unsavoury, and possibly illegal.”

 

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