In the second major breakthrough of the week for Raccoon NASA – the first being the discovery of a telescope in a dumpster behind a Walmart – the four-legged sky scavengers today announced that they have confirmed what generations of trash pandas have long suspected: Mars may be home to vast quantities of rotten food.
“While I don’t want to get too carried away, I have to say that this discovery absolutely stinks,” said Dr. Robbie, Raccoon NASA’s Head of Cafeteria Bins, the top position at the august agency. “It is by far the greatest moment in my nearly one-year career. Yes, even greater than when we found a way to separate pepperoni particles from cheese atoms, fundamentally altering our understanding of our place in the trashiverse.”
The historic discovery – guaranteed to garner a Medal of Odour for all those involved – is said to have occurred late Sunday night.
“We’ve long suspected that the red planet was a spherical trash heap, slowly decaying in its orbit like a giant celestial beacon to our species, beckoning us into the second-to-final frontier – the last being refrigerators, of course,” said Dr. Robbie, from under a car.
“So when we finally got the new Rubble telescope set up, the first thing we pointed it at was Mars (as the humans call it, though of course many raccoons still refer to it by its ancient Greek name: Ours).”
The doctor went on to describe the disappointment that he and his team suffered upon realizing that Mars was, in fact, mostly dirt. But then the subsequent elation when their telescope revealed evidence of smashed probes, defunct spacecraft, and a small vehicle; all an indication that people could not be far off.
“Having yoked the survival of our species to that of the loudly messy bipedals, who waste much and want more, we have always known that for us to successfully engage in interplanetary travel we would have to wait for the humans to go first, thus spreading their horrendous habits across the galaxy for the betterment of all raccoon kind. Today, and I do apologize for the late hour but there was a cat here earlier, we’ve confirmed that those long hoped for dumpster wheels are already in motion.”
Dr. Robbie paused then, and looked out over the crowd of raccoons peering at him from the insides of bins especially designed to keep them out. He ate a bit of ceremonial dirty diaper. He stared insolently at history itself. And then he said, quietly but meaningfully:
“One day, my fellow bin bandits, our kits will go to Ours.”