Saying that he has already scheduled an emergency press conference for 8:00 AM on Monday, Sept. 27, 2500, Maxime Bernier went out of his way today to assure Canadians that if elected Prime Minister, he will take the possibility that this country will run out of space in approximately five centuries extremely seriously.
“I don’t think it’s too early to call it a crisis,” Mr. Bernier said, speaking in an empty field just a few minutes drive from downtown Ottawa; one that experts say could eventually be home to thousands of rabid hockey fans, and a few people who just can’t stand the sport.
While the leader of the People’s Party of Canada Sorry About The Name But We Held A Raffle And That Was What Came Out (PPCSATNBWHARATWWCO for short) assured the assembled reporters that he and his team of one are working proactively to create a solution for the pending exigency, some Canadians expressed concern that Bernier will never be Prime Minister, thus leaving no one to protect the world’s second largest nation from more people living here.
“What about the maple syrup reserves?” Gord Goodwin, of Winnipeg, was heard shouting to a neighbour across his nearly quarter-acre backyard. “Forests aren’t scalable. The hell are we going to put on our pancakes if we have a billion residents by the 26th century? I say close the border now.”
The sudden panic appears to have stemmed from an informal study, released late Friday night at a rally of beige people dressed all in black and weirdly obsessed with talking about the colour white, which forecasts that at current rates of growth Canada will have as many citizens as China by midway through this millennium. That possibility was subsequently highlighted by Mr. Bernier on his widely-respected, meticulously managed Twitter account.
“Unsustainable,” Bernier called the projection. “Where does this stop? We could have a population density of nearly 7 Canadians per square kilometre by the end of this century alone. And if we keep allowing people who weren’t born here, eventually there’ll be … a lot of people who weren’t born here. It makes me claustrophobic just thinking about it. That’s ‘claustrophobic.’ Don’t misquote me. I have no problem with xylophones.”
Experts in the field of population studies were quick to say that growth curves based on current rates of increase are clearly subject to vagaries that can’t be accounted for.
“It does seem a little early to start discussing a one-child policy for Canada,” said Dr. Michael Brick, an anthropologist at the University of Toronto. “Or calling for a moratorium on immigration just because Maxime Bernier was forced to wait three minutes in a line to get his Timmies last week, behind some people who were a different colour than he is.”