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School Walkouts Surprise Ford, Who Says He Doesn’t Remember There Being Class On Fridays

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The revelation left Ford wondering what else he might have missed.

In a hastily summoned news conference this afternoon, Premier Doug Ford had one simple question for the students across the province who walked out today in protest of his government’s return to an outdated sexual education curriculum.

“What were you doing at school today?”

Saying that he was certain that in his era Fridays were holy days to be spent in quiet reflection at the mall or in a deserted industrial parking lot with an intimate group of people you bullied, Ford said that this was further evidence of excessive spending by the Wynne Liberals.

“Five days of class? What’s next? Gymnasiums at every school? The waste is obscene You know what teaches you better than any building? A street. That’s where I did my learning, and look where it got me.”

While hard to argue with results (the Premier did, after all, rise from running his father’s company to being employed in his brother’s government; and as the leader of Ontario currently enjoys the support of most of his family, and a few people who haven’t read a newspaper since Bob Woodward was a cub reporter) the gist of Ford’s statement left many in the province feeling more concerned than ever that their leader is deeply out of touch with the modern education system.

“He just sort of seems surprised by … well … everything, at this stage,” said Brampton resident Arlene Common, uttering what is probably the truest, and possibly kindest, statement spoken in the province this year.

“From the pushback against his attempts to exercise unilateral power, to children walking out of schools because they’re angry at being handed a curriculum from the year the movie ‘Enemy of the State’ came out no I’m not joking, to late night parliamentary sessions being needed to slide his unpopular initiatives through, Ford sort of seems like someone who … well … didn’t go to school on Fridays. And was probably an intermittent attendee the rest of the time.”

Reached for a follow-up comment, Ford said that while this was factually true, his lack of presence at school was done purely out of a desire to not cost his province undue sums of money. 

“Unlike those professional-protesters-in-training out there today, who clearly have nothing better to do than demand a modern education, without considering how many tax cuts that’s going to cost.”

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