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Ford Refuses To Denounce Serpentine Water Monsters After Taking Snap With Multi-Headed Hydra


Saying that he takes thousands of pictures with opportunistic beasts of yore prowling at the entrances to a dark underworld, this morning Premier Doug Ford again doubled down on his explanation for having been photographed at Ford Fest with a Lernaean Hydra.

“I see all of the heads,” the premier stated, in apparent reference to the anatomy of the hydra with whom he was pictured, as he grinned like someone who likes scales an awful lot – or is so ignorant of the history of Hydras as to have no respect for either their incipient danger, or the sacrifices made by those who have fought them in past.

“How am I supposed to keep track of the many citizens of Canada with poisonous breath capable of growing two heads for every one you get rid of?” Ford added, in response to the NDP’s Andrea Horwath, who pushed him to admit that he made a mistake, and to take the seemingly simple step of denouncing man-eating leviathans everywhere.

The Hydra has been busy lately. In addition to posing with the premier she has thrown all nine of her hats into the ring for mayor of Toronto, and recently stormed the stage at a candidates debate before being quickly shown the door, leading her to claim that the Hydra Party’s platform of eating the majority of the city’s residents isn’t being given a voice. (This despite reports that she wasn’t invited to the event simply because she didn’t fill out the correct paperwork, and – unsurprisingly – had no working policy concerning the arts, which was the focus of the debate.)

In parliament Tuesday, Ford continued to refuse to admit that fraternizing with walking fire hazards was necessarily a bad idea. “Ford Nation represents all the people of Canada,” Ford said, his thin voice squeaking like a bent weather vane as it waffles in the first gusts of a particularly nasty storm.

An unseen narrator’s voice cut in loudly at this point, echoing off the walls of the legislature. “And apparently also represents all of the mythical creatures that stand as allegories for humanity’s inner darkness. The same inner shadows which take advantage of the brevity of our collective memories; endlessly, and with tragic consequences that are as horrifying as they are terrible in their willful repetition.”

“Who said that?” asked Ford, looking around at his caucus, many of whom had been staring at the ceiling throughout his defense of his Hydra associations.

“Ah well,” the premier said, continuing, “I didn’t understand most of it anyway. Mr. Speaker, I respectfully propose we move on to the next order of business, question period. I’ll start. Who has two thumbs and is ready for picture time?”

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