“Did I hear someone ask which way to the security breach?” enquired Justin Trudeau, as he entered the United Nations headquarters early Monday morning, sideways so as to accommodate his suddenly enormous shoulders, and opting to just carry the door he had accidentally removed from its hinges on the way in. Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland, close behind the prime minister and also walking like someone had taped cartons of eggs to her inner thighs, confirmed that she’d seen a breach in the direction of Trump Tower, which she then pointed towards with one of two writhing pythons she’d convinced to become her arms, causing gasps of admiration to ripple through the room. The Canadians had arrived.
The overt muscularization of the two most important officials in the northern nation’s arsenal, comes as Canada steps up the tempo on its bid to gain a seat on the United Nations.
“I think we’re making real gains,” Trudeau said, rapidly flexing his pectoral muscles beneath his suit in time to his words, recreating them in Morse code for the hearing-impaired viewers at home. “While it’s long been known that Canada is a source of some of the world’s best brains when it comes to international issues, Minister Freeland and I agreed before this summit that what we are less known for is our equally impressive brawn. With that in mind, we got swole.”
“Nothing says we deserve a seat on the security council like breaking bones in every hand you shake,” said Ms. Freeland, hailing a cab by waving another cab, shortly after the conference adjourned for the day.
“But that doesn’t mean what happened with Trump was intentional,” she added, as she peeled back the roof of a passing taxi and stepping in. “I’m genuinely sorry the doctors are saying he might not be able to sign one of those comically large executive orders ever again. Wouldn’t that be such a shame?”
Hewing to the Arnold Schwarzenegger school of diplomacy approach – “Walk quietly and carry a big jar of supplements” – the Canucks are already turning a lot of heads at the summit. This does not include their own though, as due to the extreme lactic acid build up in their calzone-sized lats, both Trudeau and Freeland have to shift from the waist up in order to change the direction they are facing.