Reversing a longstanding policy of refusing to negotiate with people who struggle with basic math, Canada announced late last night that it has signed a new deal with Donald Trump – one of the world’s most wanted errorists, and a man who is alleged to have personally issued thousands of factwas directed at some of the most prominent statistics of our times.
“This is one of the bestest deals ever, from the standpoint of paper,” the U.S. president said, speaking from his couch-fort deep within the foothills of the White House, in an online address that was quickly disseminated among his legion of dedicated followers.
“For too long the citizens of the evil empire of Canada have been smuggling our shoes back across the border, to use for such nefarious purposes as walking and running in cushioned comfort. Our cushioned comfort. They purchase our extra-lite beers, to use as coolant in their vehicles. And they infiltrate our ranks with disarmingly likable comedians, who learn to paint, and then make fun of certain presidents in ways that hurt, I have to be honest. They really do.”
Ignoring this latest blast of hyperbole, the Canadian negotiating team told their fellow home-and-native-landers that they had managed to rescue a reasonable likeness of the status quo from the brink of a post-fact world.
“We have, of course, made it clear for many years that Canada will not negotiate with errorists,” said Prime Minister Trudeau, walking briskly into the legislature this morning. “But due to our largest trading partner electing one as president, we were forced to make an exception in this case.”
While there are those who disagree with calling the president of the United States such a loaded term – usually reserved for online commenters with poor grammar, and bad tennis players – Canada’s Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland said there really wasn’t a better word for the southerly-lying serial liar.
“President Trump has falsely represented the facts regarding trade surpluses and deficits between our countries numerous times. He makes figures up to support his preconceptions of events, and when called on it freely admits that he pulled these numbers out of his not-insubstantial … head.”
Pausing to survey the crowd of reporters, the tired looking minister adjusted her shoulders and jutted her chin.
“While this government doesn’t intend to make a habit of dealing with known errorists, unfortunately in this case we had no choice.”