In a move that would surprise no one, the long-ascendant container of accelerant that has come to symbolize the administration of U.S. President Donald Trump, Jerry Can, appears to be on the cusp of becoming the first red five-gallon jug to be named the United States ambassador to the United Nations.
“Sure, I know I some people think he’s a little volatile,” said President Trump, speaking today from somewhere deep within the vast pool of evidence that humanity is now in the ‘steep’ section of our regression curve.
“But I’ve known Jerry for most of my life,” the president continued, speaking at an outdoor press conference to mark International Conflagration Day, and gesturing towards his blushing friend, who was expanding worryingly in the unseasonably hot sun.
“Whenever there was a fire in danger of getting put out, or spark that otherwise might not have caused irreparable damage, that guy was there, ready to be poured on an insurance claim about to be salvaged, or crime scene that might still hold clues. He’s never met a policy he couldn’t reduce to ashes in minutes, and as such, I believe is perfect to be our nation’s representative to all the other places.”
While going out of his way to state that his daughter Ivanka would also be dynamite in the top-level position, and Sarah Palin unstable plutonium, Trump said that the humble jerry can had earned itself a chance to show the world what flashover looks like in the U.N. assembly hall.
“Jer is a good friend, he is a patriot, and he is a God-fearing canister that knows that sometimes you have to molotov-cocktail some eggs to destroy the dairy supply chain. And if that doesn’t do it for you,” the president said, thrusting out his chin and drawing himself up to his full non-sequitur, “he shares the same last name as this very country. Coincidence? I don’t think.”