Sports

Doug Ford Says Key To Leafs Early Success This Season Is Doug Ford

Ontario Premier Doug Ford, shunning the spotlight and letting his actions speak for themselves.

“Just another example of this government working to put wins back in the pockets of hard working Ontarians,” said Premier Doug Ford, speaking from a booth at a Boston Pizza last night, after watching the Toronto Maple Leafs come storming back to beat the Washington Capitals. The win capped off a challenging early season road trip, one that Ford has improbably likened to the tests he himself has faced in ramming unpopular legislation down the throats of people who can’t stand him.

“Friends,” Ford said to a lone, visibly-tired server, who clearly just wanted to cash out. “I promised during my campaign that I would encourage the Leafs to get their sticks on the ice, play end-to-end hockey, get back to the basics, and work together as a team. I think it’s now clear that I was doing more than just opening and closing my mouth to allow for the passage of word sounds. The boys obviously listened, and have taken my intentionally unspecific advice to heart.”

Both the tenor and location of the premier’s claims hew closely to the two foundational pillars of the Ford political empire: take credit for any fortuitous happenstance that occurs during their tenure (such as gas prices, and cherry-picked economic data), and always be the last person in a Boston Pizza.

“Without my government’s intervention in helping to streamline the maturation process of franchise player Auston Matthews, our calculations show he would likely have negative one goals so far this year, rather than the league leading ten he now enjoys. Friends,” Ford continued on, and on, as he waited for his server to summon a manager with whom he could discuss his concerns over the price of beer at the establishment.

“If this team goes on to win the Stanley Cup, you all know who to thank. And if, because of Kathleen Wynne’s terrible policies and failures as a human being, they don’t? Well then you know who to blame.”

 

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