News

Experts Say Vast Deserts, Absence Of Life, May Indicate Mars Was Once Run By Conservatives

An ancient Martian city has been discovered, full of flat screen TVs, frozen food emporiums, and straws.

In a recent revelation, published in the respectably obscure scientific journal Knock Knock Who’s There Science Science Who Too Late, a team of experts from the University of Atlantis released their analysis of what ultimately caused Mars to become a barren dustbowl of shattered galactic dreams: entirely avoidable environmental disaster coupled with unresponsive conservative governance.

Lead researcher on the project, Dr. Philemin, explains.

“While the fossil record on the red planet appears to have been mostly destroyed by the last Martian governments, who went to some lengths to attempt to hide the scale of their stupidity from eternity, we still managed to turn up compelling evidence that these guys knew this shit was coming. But they chose not to act because: dividends. Those weekend houses on Phobos don’t pay for themselves, it would seem.” 

Dr. Philemin goes on to say that one of the most striking discoveries the team made was that Martian governments – which, unlike Earth’s, followed a quasi-democratic model that disproportionately favoured telling lies, telling sweet little lies – seemed largely unwilling, or unable, to tackle any and all problems with a time frame greater than four Mars’ years. Which, coincidentally, was the length of time between most elections on the now lifeless planet. 

“Weird, huh?” says Dr. Philemin, staring expressionlessly out of the window of his office, at a packed highway of traffic, weaving around the port of Miami (where the U of A maintains a remote campus) – in which sat enormous ships bringing untold tonnes of plastic crap to the shores of a place that produces plenty of the stuff itself, and other vessels standing ready to take mostly obese passengers to new locales in which to stuff their faces. And buy more plastic shite. 

“We even discovered an ancient script, quoting what seems to have been one of the last Martian leaders. A spectacularly short-sighted individual whose name time has erased, this character memorably claimed that the warnings of his leading scientists – that their planet was destined to become a dust factory – were a hoax. Because they had an agenda. Which appears to have been wanting to avoid extinction.”

The researchers are quick to admit there is little practical application for their work.

“As a planet that appears to have once been home to approximately 7 billion inhabitants, that was drained of its resources so that a few of them could build yachts to sail on the red seas, while the rest of them used discount airlines to scour their globe for meaning, and wistfully elected governments who promised the end wasn’t nigh when in fact it was half-past, there really aren’t any ready comparisons to be made. Certainly not in this solar system.”

But, he adds, if any earthlings should feel the need to raise their gaze from the trough of fossil fuels, here on the endlessly resilient paradise we call Earth, the uninterestingly irrelevant study can be read in its entirety at This Probably Doesn’t Affect Us.

For more solar satire, follow The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.
shutterstock_434536597-3

Categories: News

Tagged as: , , , , , ,

60 replies »

  1. This is some peak liberals hubris here…
    You guys think liberals do *anything* about climate change? What kind of cretins are you?
    Still fundamentally clueless about Capitalism. Even your metaphors suck. “the rest in discount airlines”, do you understand that most of mankind never got into a plane to begin with, and that your ability to fly cheaply is a tremendous privilege in itself and an epic waste of resources too, which only aims to entertain your petty tourism fancy?
    Jaysas, for crying out loud.

    Like

    • Z! You came so close to getting one of the points. Have a reread. Also, fun fact: capitalism doesn’t get a capital. Weird huh? Things can be hard. But it’s ok. We all have (checks notes) about 12 years to improve ourselves before it’s too late.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, he’s not wrong really. What has *anyone* actually done, except faff around the edges with a bit of greenwashing.

        Let’s face it, whatever your political affiliation, humanity is stuffed if it doesn’t take urgent action… and that probably involves kicking capitalism into the long grass for a change.

        We need planned economies that have environmental concerns at their heart, strong global governance with effective reactive enforcement, population controls, the dumping of fossil fuels, and the curbing of unnecessary consumption.

        Sounds scary, but the alternative is scarier. And anything else at this stage is just pissing into the wind.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Love your comments. I think i would like to vote for you in a new world of politics. A politician of the world unfettered by countries. That is the only way that we can survive. So i nominate you to be the ‘Over Lord’ of the world. Perhaps we can find more disciples..
          PS Lord as in male and female so we need another title?

          Liked by 1 person

        • oh oh oh old bean! pardon while I greenwash my armpits. when you exhort us to ‘kick capitalism to the long grass’ you reveal your confidence that you’ll be able to enslave the particularly talented who create wealth piles.

          this ‘capitalism’ you invoke is nothing but a word for the natural barter state of nature. until you can figure out how to enslave the mind, you’ll remain a low-grade Al Capone. upon what grounds do you advocate for enslavement of humanity, you silly non?

          Like

    • Z… you speak the truth, but only because conservatives keep blocking and destroying every environmental legislature in creation.
      A republican created the National Park system with the intention of preserving our natural spaces–too bad the future Repugs see no value in preserving anything but their dividends.
      We shall be like Mars soon if the likes of Trump continue to destroy America and all her precious resources.
      Democrats, the lesser of the two evils, care about the environment and are responsible for the Audubon Society amongst other “socialist” environmental organization.
      You’re pretty dumb, when you get right down to it…. but I’ll look forward to BOTH American parties dying a quick and painful death…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Er – a democrat created the national Park Service – granted many republicans were instrumental in protecting various areas, although seeing as it was only Republicans in power for most of the period when the culture was moving towards protecting areas from being over-run by settlers, this is not surprising.
        IF you are talking about Teddy Roosevelt, then he created the National Forrest Service, which was always deemed to be a capitalist enterprise – which preserved logging, but in a way that was sustainable. He did other things to preserve natural beauty in the USA, but he was also an avid hunter – not really a good balance.
        That being said, I agree with your overall sentiment about Republiecans

        Like

    • Z: Ya know, I was on Wall Street for over 30 years as an independent trader and I’m pretty fuckin’ familiar with “C”apitalism and I can only conclude that you’re pretty much a pseudo-intellectual dumbshit punk who a) thinks he knows his ass from his daddy’s joystick and 2) knows about capitalism just about as much as some freshman-economics teacher shoved down his throat, and 3) hasn’t a fucking clue how anything works in the real world ie. NOT your mama’s basement. By the way, you get an “A” for big words that impress your high school trailer trash girlfriend. No one else, unfortunately, is all that impressed. Now get back to your internet porn and Dorito’s or Nintendo or sniffing glue or whatever the hell it is that chubby, limp-dicked, pathetic, internet-trolling losers do with their time nowadays and leave the discussions on capitalism, and satire, for that matter, to those of us who actually have some semblance of use and purpose on this earth.

      Like

  2. Joking aside if they want to terraform mars or visit or colonize. They should strategically putreflective material on phobos. Cover in several a centrifical artificial g spaceship inside a near earth asteroids with a big crater. Cover up inside crater with debris from asteroid. Leaving thrusters and access tubes. With wired solar panels around asteroid. That way astronauts wont lose bone density or be harmed by bad space radiation. Be able to resupply them on a regular basis and long time use.

    Like

      • True. Has problems holding onto water for the same reason. Mars’ core no longer generates a magnetic field to prevent the solar wind from sweeping lighter molecules and gasses away.

        Actually, Earth is not destined to become Mars, but Venus, which has greenhouse gases in catastrophic quantities, making the surface too hot and too acidic to allow anything approaching a human-survivable biosphere. It’s a funny article, though.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Enough with the “isms”. It’s “isms” that caused all this. No system works completely, no system works all the time, no system works for everyone. I think we’d be lucky to get 50% success from any aspect of any system. We need to be flexible and accommodating instead of rigid and confrontational or we shall all perish.

    Like

  4. You could’ve been a liberal planet as well and they put a woman president man oh guess what All the lies and promises that they couldn’t hold tore of the planet apart people went angry for what she did Then they went to kill the president and her blood was poisoned and killed everybody and made the planet turn red

    Liked by 2 people

  5. In 2006, NASA speculated that Mars had been destroyed by methane hydrate. A good deal of its crust was missing they speculated. Last year they found a substance in a crater, which is not found naturally on earth but that on earth is used in oil exploration. I think Mars once had oil men too.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. As Emeritus Professor of Scientific Scatology at Brigadoon University, we are currently studying your articles and to put it as nicely as we can something doesnt smell quite right. If you have any scatological evidence, other then that which is written here we will be glad to sift thru and give our own scatological weight to your research. Thou we will need an address an some clingfilm.
    Good luck with Uranus.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I do not agree with two details in this article. 1. We are more than 7 Bilion inhabitants on this planet. There are 10 times this amount of animals that we breed (plus the remaining wildlife that is left surviving our environmental impact on earth which is their planet too.) And here we come to no 2. Fossil fuels are not the main cause of Climate change and all the other environmental problems we deal with today. It’s number 1. We breed, torture and kill over 70 Billion land animals that take up all our resources and the consequences are killing our planet in all possible ways. Think about drought, the destruction of our rainforests (91% of the disappearance is caused by the animal agriculture) the dying of our oceans, worldhunger, mass extinction of wildlife, climate change (mainly caused by the methane, which has 25 times more impact in the heating of our climate than Co2). If the martians where vegan, I am sure they would have still existed. But maybe the martians where a small species that started breeding humans that needed a lot of food and water and space, but I am sure we made a hell of a snack.

    Like

  8. I’m not a scientist, nor particularly bothered about political leanings. But it seems to me that this is just more of the same “this is your fault bullshit”. The left blames the right, the conservatives blame the liberals, Trump blames the Mexicans blah blah. No one is going to fix anything and the planet will indeed cease to support life in any great volume for a long time. Which I am totally fine with.

    Like

  9. Blog replies are not the place to save the planet. In Montreal we started an initiative called the zero waste festival where you can learn how to daily reduce the waste you produce and the energy you consume. If you are interested, similar initiative exist in the US. Without being moralistic, or strongly pressuring anybody in here, if each one of us here preocupied about the earth and the environnement simply, this morning, use a non disposable cup for our coffee, check google map for a store selling in bulk for eggs, milk in our neibourhood, or if we go for vegetables/fruits not saran wraped to a styrofoam plate in our grocery later or eve, if we simply take time to recycle or compost in a proper manner, we will have done something today more than just using electicity to complain sarcasticaly. ; )

    Liked by 1 person

  10. And Venus was run by liberals. Or is that Men ran Mars and Women ran Venus. I can’t recall.

    Anyway. When we have Liberals/Conservatives or Men/Women working together we get the Earth. Not too hot. Not too cold. Just right.

    Like

  11. Mars was flat and run by “climate deniers” who thought the sun had something to do with climate and weather…. Keep it coming

    Like

  12. Reblogged this on Blog Follower and commented:
    Gavin Menzies book, 1421 tells the tale of the Chinese Treasure fleets of the same date. When these fleets returned home they expected fanfare, a hero welcome. The politics had changed, the Mandarins were now in charge and burned their maps, destroyed their statues, killed the animals they had brought from afar and left their giant fleets at anchor until they rotted and sunk. (a thousand ships).
    I call the Mandarins the first Conservatives on earth.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well put John. It seems history is rife with examples of new, and compelling, information being actively suppressed. In many ways I think our survival this far has been largely because our self-imposed ignorance in those cases only affected ourselves. Now, with the scale of our actions having grown to impact our environment, we’re facing consequences in proportion to that, if we willfully ignore the evidence.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s