In a grimly satisfying – if not-entirely surprising – revelation, researchers at the University of Victoria have discovered a common thread through the lives of the world’s happiest people: they have no idea what Piers Morgan’s opinion is on anything. Nothing at all. Could not care less.
In a study conducted over 11 years, the lifestyles of 10,000 people who reported high levels of life satisfaction, and a control group of people who follow Mr. Morgan on Twitter to keep tabs on mankind’s devolution into a click-bait-creating-cacophony-of-callous-cads, were monitored for common trends.
The UVic team found that two things immediately stood out: The people on Twitter were physically unable to stop talking about how miserable they are, but equally incapable of logging off the website. And that there is a definitive correlation between an awareness of Piers Morgan’s thoughts, and the likelihood that one harbours a deep, guttural, and irreconcilable despair for humanity.
“Daniel effing Craig man,” said one member of the study, his glazed eyes unseeing as he attempted to process one of Morgan’s latest forays into using absurdity as an antidote for an utter lack of talent. “How you going to do the dirty to Daniel effing Craig? And how am I supposed to just move on with my day, knowing I have to share a planet with this asshole?”
“Who?” Asks Rosa Giovanna, a 68-year-old woman living on an olive orchard in Sardinia. She doesn’t internet, has never lost a pet, and is widely viewed as the world’s happiest person. “Peers? Morgani? No, no, no. No conoscere.” She returns to crushing olives, her smooth skin belying her years, a smile resting lightly in the corners of her relaxed, unpursed mouth, and her eyes turned inward to pleasant memories of open fields, Mediterranean breezes, homemade limoncello, and a Piers-free life.