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Trump Announces Charity Run To End The Accidental Torture And Dismemberment Of Journalists


In the latest sign that U.S. President Donald Trump is taking the tape-recorded killing of writer Jamal Khashoggi as an occurrence requiring an immediate and significant response, Trump today announced he will personally host the 1st Annual Run To End The Accidental Torture And Dismemberment Of Journalists.

“We don’t know why it happens. We don’t where it happens. We don’t even know if everyone it happens to is a real journalist,” the president said, taking time out of hastening a return to medieval norms, to speak to reporters. “And, y’know, a lot of them aren’t actually Americans. But we’re going to do the right thing and think about having a run to stop it. You can count on it. Probably.”

Experts say that the rates of journalists who are accidentally murdered in foreign consulates have been steadily rising over the past fifteen days, though the reasons for this remain shrouded in arms deals. 

“As many people as Jamal Khashoggi have accidentally stumbled into a bone saw while attempting to file divorce papers, after alerting his fiance that he was concerned he could be murdered by Saudi state agents, working on behalf of the Crown Prince. Sadly, apart from journalists discontinuing the risky lifestyle choice of speaking of truth to power, there is no known cure for the life-ending illness of Getting In The Way.”

Trump’s charity fundraiser is scheduled to occur sometime after Mike Pompeo returns from flying 20 hours to shake hands with a murderer.

“It’s going to be a long race, maybe the longest ever, if we go ahead and hold it,” Trump said, his cheeks spasming as he attempted to feign concern. “But we really should, because this is a bad thing, if it actually did accidentally happened. Though you always have to assume people are innocent until there’s a tape recording, at which point you have to simply accept their excuses, no matter how implausible they may be, and just move on with your cynical agenda.”

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