News

Canada Passes Emergency Bill Limiting Media Outlets To A Single Weed Article Per Day

HighCanada

We get it.

In response to a bumper crop of articles flooding the Canadian media scene on the subject of today’s official legalization of marijuana, the Canadian government has passed an emergency law officially asking people to just chill, the weed isn’t going anywhere.  

The bill’s passing through the legislature was reportedly quick, efficient, and surprisingly unhindered by the clichéd effects of the pot they probably aren’t smoking now if they didn’t smoke before, and not held up by waiting on the millions of pizzas the nation’s legions of unoriginal joke writers repeatedly posited were en route to Parliament Hill today.

“Certainly there’s an important facility to be served by the media, explaining to the people of Canada what is now allowed under the new laws pertaining to recreational marijuana use,” said Liberal MP Bill Blair. “But when the media landscape of your average Canadian becomes swamped with think pieces about how this will affect your dog, or whether this is a net positive or negative for vacuum sales in Labrador, I think that’s taking it all a little north of the tree line, don’t you?”

A look around at the offerings from some of Canada’s most venerable news institutions would seem to indicate the minister is being generous.

“Here are all the places you can smoke weed in Toronto while getting a pedicure and watching the Leafs live,” read a page one headline in today’s Toronto Star, that then directed readers to an article further into the special edition, in which they admitted there were no such places.

“The best three-row SUV for people who smoke weed,” proudly declared the homepage of Wheels.ca, with a photo of a dark green Ford Flex, before going on to list the best places on a motorcycle to stash your dope on long rides (tied for the top spot were your left and right pockets). 

“Fluffiest Hash Birthday Cake Recipes For Hip Cats Like You,” was the third article of the day from Canadian Living on the subject, after exhausting the angles of how to decorate for nothing much having changed for most people; and what time is the right time to carry on living as you always have, with or without weed.

For their part The Globe And Mail, bless their khakis, went with the straight up: “ARE WE COOL NOW? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SAY YES. WAS THAT A YES?”

But it was when the CBC began a live showcasing of Don Cherry’s new – completely organic and still growing – jacket-and-hat ensemble for this coming Saturday’s Hockey Night In Canada, with Ron Maclean in the background alternating between nervous giggles and clucking like a pious chicken, that it became clear that emergency legislation would be needed. 

Explaining to the crush of reporters that the bill would take immediate effect, Minister Blair scanned the sea of journalists in front of him on Parliament Hill, and realized he had a problem. 

“Well shoot. You’ve all published at least one article about weed today, and in most cases two to three hundred of them. So that just leaves …” Slowly all eyes turned to the one remaining Canadian outlet that had yet to weight in on the single greatest day in the history of the country, ever.

“Sure. No problem. We’ll get the word out. One weed article per outlet, per day,” said a representative from the little-known satire site The Out And Abouter. “We’re on it.”

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