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Hubble Discovers Largest Clusterf*ck In The Known Universe

The telescope reportedly attempted to avert its mirrors when it turned and saw what had been behind it all these years.

After years of peering into the darkest and most distant recesses of our universe, discovering things as unusual as dark matter, the moons of Pluto, and the very edges of the velvet tablecloth we call space, the Hubble telescope was today turned around for the first time. And it promptly added another monumental discovery to its already extensive findings: a super massive clusterfuck, of exactly Earthly proportions.

Already dubbed ‘Dearth,’ the object that panned into view of the space telescope’s 2.4-meter vanity mirror, was a smallish, not-unattractive planet, undergoing what can only be described as the largest cluster of proto fucks witnessed in the 13.7 billion years since bangs got big.  

The official NASA transcript of the moment the intrepid team of telescopers made the discovery recounts the event as it unfolded, in harrowing detail. 

Hubble Transcript.png

Official NASA transcript of the moment the Hubble Space Telescope discovered an unholy mess of fucks.

Early estimates are that the not-at-all distant object is approximately 4.5 billion years old,  and was doing just-fine-thank-you-very-fucking-much until around 250 years ago, when things went decidedly people-shaped. The European Space Agency released the following analysis shortly before noon:

“The object appears to have suffered from massive forces of species-specific greed – accelerated by one single lifeform rapidly developing ways to cause unprecedented levels of damage during their extremely short lives, and still finding the time to procreate like nuclear-powered rabbits. This has led to, well, just fucking look, would you? A formerly gorgeous jewel of a planet covered in discarded flip-flops, shredded bags, asphalt, and warring factions who have decided it is just easier to lie to each other, and their own supporters, than it is to reign in this celestial salmagundi of selfishness.”

Weighing approximately the exact same as one earth, ‘Dearth’ is already widely believed to be the ugliest, least hopeful image recorded by Hubble in its nearly three decades of operation – in which time it has often watched black holes devour each other in titanic battles that created rifts in the very fabric of space and time itself.

“But at least they did it quietly.” ***

*** They really love that joke. Let them have it. It’s dark days, even by astronomers’ standards.

2 replies »

  1. Hey, Paul! I took you for a satirist but I realized you’re a hard fact reporter when you said: “The object [Earth] appears to have suffered from massive forces of species-specific greed – accelerated by one single lifeform rapidly developing ways to cause unprecedented levels of damage during their extremely short lives, and still finding the time to procreate like nuclear-powered rabbits. This has led to, well, just fucking look, would you? A formerly gorgeous jewel of a planet covered in discarded flip-flops, shredded bags, asphalt, and warring factions who have decided it is just easier to lie to each other, and their own supporters, than it is to reign in this celestial salmagundi of selfishness.”

    Like

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